Today my daughter and I had an interesting exchange, by today's standards it would be considered a conversation but since it was via text I just can't quite call it that. Yes, she asked some questions and stated some thoughts and I responded, so most people would consider that an actual conversation; what it did for me was to get the proverbial wheels turning which has now turned into me putting my thoughts down on virtual digital "paper."
Last week marked 31 years of marriage... to the same man... by any yardstick that is saying something. We did not have a huge celebration, in fact I believe we had a quick dinner then he curled up with his computer to get some work done for his new business, and due to some newly diagnosed autoimmune "issues" (I have not reached that point of acceptance to actually call them diseases) I laid out my work clothes for the next day then went to bed. In those 31 years I have learned a lot... well perhaps a whole lot to the mathematical power of 5 or perhaps 10. In those years we have relocated 9 times (that is not counting some extended stays of less than 6 months), owned and lived in 4 houses and 1 condo, lived in Navy housing twice, and rented 3 times. Yes, I realize that adds up to 10 but hey, welcome to my world. We have owned approximately 17 cars, I think 5 motorcycles, and 3 boats. So we are quite skilled at the art of buying and selling things but those are not the things that really count and this is not what I am writing about. No, what is most important to me is to let both of my children and their friends and anyone else who happens to read this know my thoughts on marriage. Since I am a child of divorce I took my wedding vows very seriously because I did not want to fail and I did not want my children to feel what I felt as a teen that was suddenly without a true north, drifting aimlessly in a world that didn't care. On that day 31 years ago I promised "from this day forward to love, honor, and respect, through richer & poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health, forsaking all others until death do we part..." and I meant it and yet I had no idea how hard life as a young Navy wife could and would be.
Listed below are some of the things I have learned and surely wished I had known prior to that day 31 years ago; oh I still would have married him but a little information ahead of time would have been great. I had been well prepped on Navy life but not on 'normal' day to day life. So here goes; other than #1 these are in no particular order of importance because in a marriage any of these can happen at anytime and typically there is overlap.
1-People are not perfect. Pedestals are for works of art not people... adjust your expectations accordingly.
2-Disagreements are inevitable and the ensuing discussions can be uncomfortable, but no one wins a fight.
3- The "Don't go to bed angry" myth. Not everything can be worked out by bedtime, so if you can't work it out before 9 PM then ALWAYS tell your spouse that you love them before you both fall asleep.
4- The 50/50 myth; you both must give 100% all the time. There will be times when one of you is pursuing a degree; sick; injured; mourning the loss of a parent or sibling or job or a golden opportunity; or struggling with life, and the other will need to carry a heavier load and that is OK. Always give the very best you can even if that means that dinner is grilled cheese.
5-Never talk badly about your in-laws... that goes for everyone! I know... you are probably rolling your eyes because you think I'm going to say not to speak poorly of your mother in-law's cooking or housekeeping skills etc, well that goes with out saying (or saying too much). Attention Parents: your child loves someone enough to spend their life together so don't talk down to your child's spouse. Unless they are abusive in any manner the details of their marriage is nun-ya-business! Do not pit grandchildren against their parents... and NEVER pit one spouse against the other! For almost a full 30 years I was talked down to and for 20+ years I never said anything to anyone about it. My bad! I should have addressed the issue right away but instead I thought if I was more perfect things would improve. Surprise, they got worse. I was criticized for not being a tall blond like a former girlfriend of my husband, I was told that I was "gross" for nursing my babies, and called a "loser" because I was still friends with many of my childhood friends, I was even told that I had "missed a spot" when I had just cleaned a bathroom. The list is actually much longer but you get my point and if not then let me state it a little differently: Get a hobby and don't sit around finding fault in the members of your family, remember #1, no one , including YOU, is perfect.
6-Never do something that you know will make the other mad. That's just mean.
7- If you have done something wrong or hurtful admit it. No excuses and no blame. "I screwed up and I am so sorry. How can I make things better?" is a good way to start. Don't blame the other person for your bad decision. Admit whatever it is, apologize, and make amends. If you are on the receiving end remember #1.
8-Never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone and never allow anyone to speak negatively about your spouse... Even IF you just had an argument...are upset with your spouse... whatever the case may be...you will both be respected for keeping your mouth zipped.
9- Tell your spouse you love them especially when they have made a mistake (remember #1), are being goofy, have just done something wonderful, when they locked the keys in the house, or just because the sun came out that day. You can never say that enough.
10- Say "Thank You" often.
11- Sometimes a hug is better than words.
12- The only time you should sleep separately is when someone is sick.
13- Thirteen has always been a significant number to me so her goes... never tempt temptation. Don't become friends with a member of the opposite sex; being friendly is one thing but don't tempt someone to cross a line they can't uncross. Don't flirt, don't make innuendo's that could lead to flirting or something else. Draw a hard line and protect your marriage at all costs because there will always be someone who is willing to cross that line with no conscience whatsoever and they will make you feel as if you somehow deserve it because your spouse is somehow "less than." Refer to #8... never speak negatively about your spouse. Don't text, email, IM, DM or any other message type with a member of the opposite sex unless your spouse knows about it and is OK with the communication. If you wouldn't want your spouse to see those messages then DON'T SEND THEM!
14-It is a wise man/woman that does not compare their spouse to their parent(s) especially when it comes to cooking or cleaning. 'Nuf said.
15-Unless you are planning a surprise party or something similar...don't lie to your spouse.
There is surely more but for now this will have to do. Since I am not a marriage counselor I won't be giving advice and if I were one I would most certainly keep my mouth shut unless asked.