May 21st...this year would have been 35 years.  He promised me a marvelous vacation for this anniversary and yet the reality of it is that we are in different states and I am enjoying this day sitting at one of my sewing machines working on a quilt that will be a gift.  He is probably, maybe, celebrating his brother's birthday...61 I think.

Am I bitter? Nope.

Do I feel a sense of melancholy? Nope.

Truth be told, I completely forgot the exact date, even when my daughter sent me a text: "How are you?" A few hours later it hit me and I giggled because I had completely forgotten!  The only thing that even inspired me to write this blog is that this is the last week of school and there will be a myriad of after school gatherings and as I contemplate which one to attend it came to mind that at least one will be made up of couples.  I don't have a problem being around couples but what I do have a problem with is when those couples are oblivious to the sensitivities of the divorce people that may be in attendance.

I am not asking you to NOT do the things in the following list , just to be aware and not pass judgement on us. Here are my thoughts about what I wish happily married couples knew about someone who is divorced (some of these were told to me before I was divorced):

• Don't ignore us at social gatherings, we don't have cooties.
• We may have lost a lot of friends because of our divorce, we may be in need of a good friend, so you bragging about your best friend(s) and all of your fantastic brunches/couples nights/family outings may feel harsh and hurtful to us (but I doubt we'll say anything).
• Your "happy anniversary" may be a source of pain for us, so please don't throw it in our face.  Yes, we are probably very happy for you, and would even show up to a party held in your honor.  Just know that if we shed some tears or don't comment on your social media post, that is why.
• We are not defective.  There is not something wrong with us that caused our divorce (although we may feel that way). Please don't treat us as if what we "have" is somehow contagious...we are people that have gone through something very painful that thankfully you have not...we do not have impetigo, chicken pox, or  hand-foot-mouth disease (some of us may have foot-in-mouth disease though).
• Many already feel that we somehow carry a label on our forehead, and that label can feel humiliating, or that we are being judged. Please don't. We are all trying to put one foot in front of the other and some days are infinitely harder than others.
• Dating is very hard... it is brutal, dare I say it can be uncivilized and degrading. Try putting your over 50 year old self out there especially after being told that you are not good enough, not pretty anymore, not slender enough, or that no one will ever love you.  Try finding a decent picture of yourself to put on a dating site when you have been told for many many MANY years that you could be traded in on 2-twenty year olds or 2-twenty-five year olds; that the only reason you have not been traded in is because it would be too hard to "train" another wife.
• Comments like "gee, you are still so (fill in the blank) I don't see why you can't find any one" or better yet "I found someone right away..." are not helpful. Your timeline is not my timeline.
• Never, even in jest, say to someone "no wonder you are still single" or worse "no wonder you can't find a man/woman." There is no need to shame us, trust me we tend to beat ourselves up enough even when we weren't the one who strayed or somehow caused the divorce.
• We may have had gorgeous wedding rings too but now we don't wear them or have had them re-styled (that was me) or sold them...please don't flash yours in our faces...that is just cruel.  Trust me, if it is gorgeous we will notice and comment without you shoving it  under our nose.
• Yes, sometimes we may sit in our car and cry before heading onto work, or church, or some social gathering. As Darius Rucker once said, "...let her cry."

These are just a few, feel free to post more in the comments.  Meanwhile I am going to return to my sewing machines...

Happy May 21, 2023

                                              Chemo quilt I made for my former mother in-law. The back has "pockets" for her feet.      Tread painting on the back of one of my RedDirt Denim jackets (it's been sold). Newest RedDirt Denim Jacket