Well, it's been over three years since I wrote what I intended to be the intro to a book about forgiveness and I'm not sure where those 3 years went.  I had every intention of continuing to write on the subject knowing that I'd have to delve even deeper into understanding what forgiveness really means.  Ha ha, yep I delved into it alright, by experiencing more and more things that required me to forgive. By having to wrap my head around information that was simultaneously surprising and yet foreseeable. Yes, the depth of betrayal had gone beyond the bedroom and the people effected were as diverse as family, neighbors, friends both near and far, Navy captains & admirals (who were also friends), and of course did I mention family. Oh, and one former member of a biker gang (you know who you are). If you are expecting names, dates, locations you will undoubtedly be disappointed because I will not disclose any of that information, not now, not ever. Don't ask.

I once heard or read that you know you have truly forgiven someone when you can go to their wedding and be happy for them.  Let me tell you right now, that ain't gonna happen...I may have "leveled up" but I'm not there yet! I also have a hard time with forgiving people who should know better, and by that I mean most adults.  There are several particular groups in my sphere that have stood out to me as ones that should have higher standards and not reduce themselves to having to put down others in order to make themselves look or feel better, frankly they should know better and do better. Generally speaking some of the groups are the uber religious (not pointing fingers at any particular group because they exist in every system of faith-so don't even let your mind go there), and military knives, oops I mean wives.  Some other groups are some highly competitive professions (one of which I am affiliated), some arts and crafting arenas, again some of which I am affiliated- think photography, quilting/sewing, cooking, and yes even writing (because, I, use, too, many, commas). 

Here, let me provide you with an example (remember no names, dates, or locations so don't ask or assume): I have written about the upcycled jackets I make, all of them have some sort of quilt square on the back, many of my earliest ones have hours of thread painting on them, as well as hidden bee motifs throughout. I was selling them for upwards of $250 and have had women approach me to buy them right off my back.  One in particular is a mid calf length denim duster style jacket, the red/white/black log cabin squares go all the way down the center of the back and wrap around the full hem so that they are on the inside and outside of the jacket. The jacket is stunning when worn, a little less so on the hanger, at least that's what I think and apparently so did a woman in Colorado Springs, who one night about 8 or 9 years ago in a sushi restaurant, stopped me and asked me about it then offered me $400 cash if I would sell it to her on the spot! I thanked her for her kind words and her offer but assured her that it was not for sale. She pressed and I held firm.  Shortly after that, and with the encouragement of my daughter, I began making more, each one unique, and opened an online store to sell them. Then several years later I was at church one Sunday morning, preparing to interpret (remember, I am a sign language interpreter who specializes in education & music)  and I had on one of my jackets which I took off and hung on the back of a chair. After the service was over there was a large group of us chatting, some speaking and other signing and it was a very dynamic and fun conversation.  I don't recall the details of the conversations but the topics of quilting and military wives had reared their heads and someone commented very positively about my jacket and the only other military wife, who also happened to be a quilter, looked at it and made an insipid comment about my "little jacket" complete with an eyeroll or two. Yes, it was an intentional and not so subtle insult to me and my work. That comment was dismissive and was said to belittle me and yes it made me feel invisible.  That insult was a big reason why I stopped making the jackets and I took down my website. I mean if someone who, I thought, knew what they were looking at had passed such harsh and demeaning judgement despite others who looked at the same jackets and thought so highly of them, well then maybe the jackets were really just a part of the Emperor's wardrobe.  At that time I was also struggling with some really big life issues and eventually walked away (for about a year) from the church and interpreting at church. Did I ever forgive her for the arrogant and insulting thing she said?  No, not really. I realized that I actually wondered what had happened in her life that made her feel so arrogant, so superior, and possess the unflinching need to put me down, especially in such a public manner.  She's fellow military wife, a quilter, and supposedly a Christian.  My gut tells me that whatever it is must be big and is definitely unhealed and unforgiven. 

Forgiven...there's that word again. If you have no real idea about forgiveness be thankful that you have never needed to. You know that phrase, "Hurt people hurt people?" Well I used to HATE that phrase, I thought it was one giant cop-out (not unlike the phrase "it is what it is")...that is until I experienced it myself. That is, a hurt person hurting me. The ability to forgive someone starts with healing yourself; acknowledging the pain, facing the pain, wrestling with that pain, and making that pain take a seat in the back of the room so that it doesn't control your life. Sounds pretty straight forward huh? Well it's not.  There is nothing easy or straightforward about it. Frankly it sucks.

Don't fake it until you make it. FACE it until you make it!

So, you may wonder what the heck the title "Leveling UP" means and why I have diverted so far from it.  I really  haven't diverted from it but perhaps avoiding it a wee bit.  Hypothetically speaking I have no desire to attend my ex's wedding but recently I have started praying for him, publicly no less. And asking for others to pray for him as well.  For me that is most definitely leveling up. I don't currently hate him and I don't wish him harm. No matter what he does or doesn't do his actions effect the lives of my children and grandchildren and that is what is most important to me. A former teacher I worked with when I lived in Colorado had a phrase that I love, "I wish you justice because you don't need luck."  So as I level up in my current stage of life I wish my ex as well as all of you, justice.  If you don't like that, well that's on you, but for me sometimes that's as close to forgiveness as I can offer. 

Oh, as a side note...there are books and men's groups and conferences centered around the idea that iron sharpens iron, ya know men encouraging and building each other up. Men mentoring men to become better fathers, husbands, friends, coaches, leaders etc. and I think that is great!  Well, do you know what happens when women tear each other down? They both become weaker. And what happens when women build up and encourage each other?  They both become stronger. That's right...lifting up and encouraging another human makes you BOTH stronger not weaker, because iron does sharpen iron. 

So right now all I ask is that in the future you please refrain from comments about someone's "little jacket" after all you have no idea how much damage that "little" comment can cause.

Thread painting.

Thread painting.