Boundaries. That word is everywhere!  Books, workshops and classes, speakers, internet memes. It is one of the many buzzwords of at least two generations. So why am I writing about it? Well, that's because honestly, I've never been very good about establishing or holding boundaries. Sure I respect lines of demarcation that other people set but not typically my own. I cave in order to not make waves, I don't want to hurt other peoples feelings so I try to be flexible, and recently I was told that I tend to offer too much grace to certain people. Yep, that one stung because it's true.  I tend to make excuses then cross my own boundaries. Those boundaries were there to protect myself and yet I cross my own lines and then set myself up to potentially get hurt.

No matter what side of the proverbial boundary you may be on the intent and the actions are the same, respect. Respect the boundary regardless of who set it.  If you set the boundary then hold that line, don't allow others to cross it.  If someone has set a boundary then respect that line and respect them! Don't cross it, don't run right up to the edge of it, and don't encourage someone else to try to do it for you. Boundaries are established for reasons we may not know and whether that is "private property," "do not enter," "one way only," "enter at your own risk,"  "no diving" or "employees only," we should respect it or cross at our own peril.

Women of a certain age were taught to "be nice, don't make waves, just deal with it, don't be rude."  Really? Is it ok for your husband (or anyone else for that matter) to make jokes at your expense because after all if everyone is laughing then it's all good, right? No, it's not. It's not ok, when you are a small child, and a family member or their friends tickle you until it hurts, until you cry, or wet your pants, even when you tell them again and again to stop, yet they continue.  Then being told that those people were just being funny, that it makes them laugh so it's ok. Hmmm...no it's not. If you want to have fun go buy a Slinky or a YoYo but don't get your kicks by torturing small children.

When you set that boundary hold that line. No excuses or reasons why. After all no means no. Full stop. " Do not talk to me like that." "Do not not treat me that way." "... that's not ok and you need to stop." " I told you to not do that again and you did so now I am leaving."

I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect.

The same is true even when the script is flipped.  Perhaps someone asked you to stop making certain jokes...so stop making them; or someone asked you to stop interrupting them, to let them finish their thought before commenting...so stop.  It's not funny to continue doing what you've been asked to stop doing.  It's rude and disrespectful. Sometimes it's  juvenile. So stop already.

It seems that the current and admissible state of our culture is that of rudeness and disrespect. It seems that it has become acceptable, dare I say unobjectionable,  to yell in someone's face to tell them they are wrong, or ignorant, or misinformed just because of differing viewpoints. Name calling and shaming seem to have become the norm, a permissible form of communication or even witty repartee. Verbal sport for some.  Although we may not agree I don't believe that I have the right to yell in your face or bait you with passive-aggressive remarks in the hopes of garnering a reaction... remember-just because you can doesn't mean you should, self-control is a beautiful thing. My kids grew up hearing me say that all the time and I laughed out loud the day my daughter texted me from her classroom to let me know that those words had just come out of her mouth.  Whew!  Better those words than something else I may have said along the way.

Several years ago I was a newcomer at a social event and shortly after sitting down the woman seated across from me started talking about our current and former presidents and without blinking she began yelling in my face that if I didn't believe and follow one particular political party then I was "stupid" (among other negative and demeaning adjectives) and then she regurgitated all the rhetoric associated with her political leanings. Not wanting to make a scene I slightly shrugged, shook my head just a little and looked away, joining a neighboring conversation. Did that make her angry? Yes, I think it did but the gate was shut and the boundary was set, at least from my standpoint. From that moment on I never initiated a conversation regarding our political views. We didn't necessarily like each other but we also never crossed that line by poking the proverbial dog; well I never did anyway, she did try a few times but I'd rather be a hungry fish than take the bait. Our ideologies did not align but that wasn't and isn't an excuse for either one of us to be mean and/or hurtful. Interestingly enough the very same day I began writing this something similar took place. Different circumstances, different location, different person, different everything, yet someone threw a political jab at me from across the room. Not ok. Not funny.  Zero respect. 

I wish we would all really try to be better humans, set and respect boundaries. Stephen Covey said, " Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen listen with the intent to reply." Let's try to listen to understand. Lets offer an attitude of listening rather than judging, connection rather than divisiveness.