This world...This life (of mine)...

Right now everything seems to be so chaotic.  So many things in my life are spinning out of control, out of my control, and I just need some semblance of normalcy, of peace, and yes, of control. By virtue of working in public education I have summers off and those 10-ish weeks are precious for everyone who also works in education, it is a time to rest and recuperate; regardless of whether you are an introvert or extrovert it is a time to recharge personal batteries by doing whatever brings you joy and peace.  This summer I have helped cleanout houses to be put on the market to sell (not mine), helped pack and move the contents of those houses either into storage or new homes. I have vowed to never return to a certain city/college town because I just am not willing to cry any more tears due to the memories that live there, and yet for various reasons have returned to that city more than once...and yes I cried gut wrenching painful tears while driving the state highway out of town.  I'm so tired of the tears that at the core are born from a life of lies told by someone I once trusted my life to. 

The hits just seem to be coming without ceasing. The stripping away of who I am and what I value. The total disregard for me and promises made to me. The prayers that are repeatedly answered with a resounding "no" not with a "not yet" but a trumpet sounding, "NO!"  I won't lie...I am weary.

Peace. A sense of control of things that I actually have control over.  That's all I really want.

Oddly or interestingly enough after years of telling doctors that I didn't like the side effects of a certain medication, but was told to stay on, I decided last fall that I would very slowly wean myself off that medication and guess what? I dropped 30 pounds in a matter of about 6 weeks and I stopped sleeping all the time and I felt so much better! The medication was actually just masking symptoms but had no other benefit. I took control of something I actually had control over, my health choices, and that felt good.  Empowering.

I have sent some boundaries that I don't think the intended recipient has noticed until perhaps just now.  Boundaries about how they speak to me, how they treat me, what they allow others to say about me when I supposedly can't hear them. Control... even if its just a little.

Now that the moving other people marathon has basically ended I took the chance to do something that brings me peace and is a joy to do.  Sew.  Well, more specifically to quilt.  A week ago I bought the fabric to make a baby quilt for my newest granddaughter, I washed and ironed it.  I planned out the blocks.  As I began the process I found myself gravitating towards the roots of how I learned to sew and to piece quilt blocks; I used actual rulers (not die cut pieces), I went back to what my grandmother taught me about pressing-pressing-pressing every step of the way (not ironing because that can stretch and distort the fabric), I used my wool pressing mat, my tailors clapper for perfect crisp seams, and nothing went to waste (not even that last bit of useable thread on the spool).  I was very intentional about each block and shied away from "speed piecing" in the attempt to be more efficient, instead I leaned in to enjoy the process. At one point I thought since the quilt top was coming out so precise and dare I say "perfect" (which in the quilting world there is no such thing) that I would enter it into the state fair.  Then I decided that I probably wouldn't because I have already won awards for some of my quilts and honestly I don't need the validation or critique from judges in order to feel like I'm worthy (alas, is that age related wisdom rearing its head?).

All in all I think my peace and joy, for today at least, stems from going back to a simpler less technological form of something I love to do.  I think there is a lot to be said for less technology and simpler ways. It gives me a sense of control on a world and a life that seems to be spinning much to fast.

Yes, that is a chopstick... a very well worn and much used tool that has been a staple in my sewing room for close to 40 years. When I die I hope that my daughter or one of my granddaughters takes it and uses it as much as I have.

Oh, if you are someone I know and your reading this and your wondering if some part of this is referring to you please rest assured that no particular portion of this is referring to you or anyone in particular.  It's just the thoughts of a woman in search of peace in a chaotic world.