Divorce is such a yucky word no matter how it is used. Sure, we are all familiar with the form of the word referring to two people who sever marital ties and often the word is also used in reference to severing other ties, such as divorcing oneself from a situation. It's so final. A ripping apart. Vows undone. One whole divided in two then catapulted in opposing directions. It's not a gentle process, it's not easy or clean and it's certainly not fun. It's emotionally devastating, financially difficult at best, and can cause physical ailments from the stress. I have heard many people describe it as a death to be mourned and I agree. The death of a marriage and in many cases entire families.  Even "amicable" divorces are not really clean or easy. Amicable! Now there's a word. My friends Merriam & Webster define amicable as being "characterized by friendly goodwill; peaceable..." ha, I have yet to truly see that in the context of a divorce.

When my parents divorced most of the yucky stuff was hidden from me and to some extent my sister; oh I knew it was there hiding under the surface like a rip current waiting to suck us all in and take us out to sea, but my parents' generation demanded that no one discuss any of it in front of the children. Uck...Taboo! I also remember a neighbor of ours who was divorced...oh the scandal of the late 60's-early 70's!   She had sons that were at least 10 years older than me which meant that I barely knew them if at all, they lived in a house like ours but unlike ours which had a huge hill in the back, they had a huge flat backyard with a pool. Anyway, at some point after the divorce, she (I remember her name actually but I will not use it) began going on national gameshows that were filmed in Los Angeles; The Dating Game, The Price is Right, Hollywood Squares etc. and if I remember correctly at one point she had won a lifetime supply of Mac & Cheese. Good for her! I do recall her "behavior" being criticized by the neighborhood adults because divorce was such a scandal back then.  She moved soon after that and the house had revolving door of new owners as if it were somehow cursed. Divorce... yeah beyond the pale for sure.

My aunt, my fathers only sister, died about 10 years ago and I vaguely recall in the '70s when she and her husband (my uncle) separated then divorced. I was young and all of the details were hidden from me, heck all I knew was that they "weren't getting along" which is why my uncle had gotten his own apartment. When they did divorce and eventually found other partners and married, they both still showed up to family events, everyone showed up. None of this "well it's your turn to be with so & so's family." Many years later I was talking to one of my cousins who spelled out the whole situation, and I was shocked and disappointed by the story but in the back of my mind and what stood out the most was that I still remembered how civil they were when everyone was together. Apparently my aunt had decreed that the family would always be together for holidays and celebrations no matter what. My parents didn't do that. In fact once my parents divorced I never spent a single holiday with my dad until after I was married and he came to us. That is so sad for so many reasons and I live with that regret. When I married, my mom and her then boyfriend (they married a few years later) and my brand new in-laws had a major falling out in the parking lot of the old Denver Stapleton Airport; four adults three of whom had known each other for close to 20 years, had what was described as a screaming match shortly after my new husband and I had just quite literally taken off for the nearly 24 hour journey to Guam. The argument was ridiculous, childish and totally unnecessary. From that moment on, the lines of division were drawn and we never shared a holiday with both families, not even after my children were born. Truth be told it was my husband who decided that, in order to keep the peace,  we would always have separate holidays and our parents just followed suit.  My guess is that it was just easier that way so no one argued with him; The Naval Officer said it so we did it. Yep, it was a bad plan poorly executed! My children grew up with not only a division of families but a chasm filled with hatred, hostility, animosity, and a total unwillingness to forgive (on both sides). The result was that my kids never had those tight bonds with any of their grandparents. Regretful and so sad.

Oh how I wish my aunt was still alive because I would love to talk to her about all of this, ask her how she was able to manage her emotions, carry on with her new reality, generally pick her brain about it all.  I was still married when she passed so there was never any reason for that conversation, and she was the type of person that offered absolutely no advice unless asked and even then she was cautious about how much she said. We did have some rather frank and emotional conversations about the school shooting because she had been an elementary teacher in a small town in the high desert of California for over 30 years and that type thing just didn't happen there. But the subject of her divorce? I won't say that it was verboten but that was just not something that was ever discussed.  I do believe that if she were still alive we could have that conversation, shoot I'd even fly out to California to have it in person.

So how does one do that and what does it even look like?  What I mean is, civility in the face of humiliation and pain how can I even pull that one off? I am strong but am I that strong? Well, I am determined to do just that because I am unwilling to miss time with my grand-toddlers. My integrity is intact and that says a lot because I have no reason to hide, stand down, or be ashamed. I do wish I had some advice or at least a wee bit of wisdom to offer but I don't. I'm just trying to figure this out as I go just as we all are. Sure there are a lot of self-help, psycho-babble, and religious based books out there but I prefer to think it through rather than be told what to do or how to think, and then perhaps I'll write more about my journey, because after all it is my journey and yours is not the same. 

As far as the grand-toddlers are concerned I look at it this way, the women in my family who died of old age lived to be in their mid 80's -mid 90's which means theoretically I have another 20-30+ years left on this earth and I am simply unwilling to avoid time with them because of a divorce. 

Integrity. Civility. Compassion. Authenticity. Courage. Accountability. Do those things even still exist in conjunction with each other anymore? Can they exist in a family torn apart due to divorce? My life philosophy is to "Live a Life of Integrity and Practice Grace Daily" and I try to, and I will continue to. I really will.

Boundaries. That word is everywhere!  Books, workshops and classes, speakers, internet memes. It is one of the many buzzwords of at least two generations. So why am I writing about it? Well, that's because honestly, I've never been very good about establishing or holding boundaries. Sure I respect lines of demarcation that other people set but not typically my own. I cave in order to not make waves, I don't want to hurt other peoples feelings so I try to be flexible, and recently I was told that I tend to offer too much grace to certain people. Yep, that one stung because it's true.  I tend to make excuses then cross my own boundaries. Those boundaries were there to protect myself and yet I cross my own lines and then set myself up to potentially get hurt.

No matter what side of the proverbial boundary you may be on the intent and the actions are the same, respect. Respect the boundary regardless of who set it.  If you set the boundary then hold that line, don't allow others to cross it.  If someone has set a boundary then respect that line and respect them! Don't cross it, don't run right up to the edge of it, and don't encourage someone else to try to do it for you. Boundaries are established for reasons we may not know and whether that is "private property," "do not enter," "one way only," "enter at your own risk,"  "no diving" or "employees only," we should respect it or cross at our own peril.

Women of a certain age were taught to "be nice, don't make waves, just deal with it, don't be rude."  Really? Is it ok for your husband (or anyone else for that matter) to make jokes at your expense because after all if everyone is laughing then it's all good, right? No, it's not. It's not ok, when you are a small child, and a family member or their friends tickle you until it hurts, until you cry, or wet your pants, even when you tell them again and again to stop, yet they continue.  Then being told that those people were just being funny, that it makes them laugh so it's ok. Hmmm...no it's not. If you want to have fun go buy a Slinky or a YoYo but don't get your kicks by torturing small children.

When you set that boundary hold that line. No excuses or reasons why. After all no means no. Full stop. " Do not talk to me like that." "Do not not treat me that way." "... that's not ok and you need to stop." " I told you to not do that again and you did so now I am leaving."

I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect.

The same is true even when the script is flipped.  Perhaps someone asked you to stop making certain jokes...so stop making them; or someone asked you to stop interrupting them, to let them finish their thought before commenting...so stop.  It's not funny to continue doing what you've been asked to stop doing.  It's rude and disrespectful. Sometimes it's  juvenile. So stop already.

It seems that the current and admissible state of our culture is that of rudeness and disrespect. It seems that it has become acceptable, dare I say unobjectionable,  to yell in someone's face to tell them they are wrong, or ignorant, or misinformed just because of differing viewpoints. Name calling and shaming seem to have become the norm, a permissible form of communication or even witty repartee. Verbal sport for some.  Although we may not agree I don't believe that I have the right to yell in your face or bait you with passive-aggressive remarks in the hopes of garnering a reaction... remember-just because you can doesn't mean you should, self-control is a beautiful thing. My kids grew up hearing me say that all the time and I laughed out loud the day my daughter texted me from her classroom to let me know that those words had just come out of her mouth.  Whew!  Better those words than something else I may have said along the way.

Several years ago I was a newcomer at a social event and shortly after sitting down the woman seated across from me started talking about our current and former presidents and without blinking she began yelling in my face that if I didn't believe and follow one particular political party then I was "stupid" (among other negative and demeaning adjectives) and then she regurgitated all the rhetoric associated with her political leanings. Not wanting to make a scene I slightly shrugged, shook my head just a little and looked away, joining a neighboring conversation. Did that make her angry? Yes, I think it did but the gate was shut and the boundary was set, at least from my standpoint. From that moment on I never initiated a conversation regarding our political views. We didn't necessarily like each other but we also never crossed that line by poking the proverbial dog; well I never did anyway.  She did try a few times but I'd rather be a hungry fish than take the bait. Our ideologies did not align but that wasn't and isn't an excuse for either one of us to be mean and/or hurtful. Interestingly enough the very same day I began writing this something similar took place. Different circumstances, different location, different person, different everything, yet someone threw a political jab at me from across the room. Not ok. Not funny.  Zero respect. 

I wish we would all really try to be better humans, set and respect boundaries. Stephen Covey said, " Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen listen with the intent to reply." Let's try to listen to understand. Lets offer an attitude of listening rather than judging, connection rather than divisiveness.  

Don't worry, I am not about to get all touchy-feely or use any "woo-woo" psychology.  No Freudian stuff nor quotes from Carl Jung (I had a professor who referred to him as "Old Jughead," but alas I digress), and no references to Oprah, Iyanla, or Dr Phil. Not that any of those people aren't worth quoting it's just that I'm not going that direction, I'm thinking along much simpler lines. I'm speaking from my heart. From experience.

I recently saw this quote on social media and I felt like it jumped out of my cell phone and hit me between the eyes. Unfortunately the quote had been cut & pasted so many times that there was no attribution given, I wish there was because I'd like to thank them and give them a hug:

"Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach."

Face it, we have all made mistakes , and whether you believe in an Almighty Creator, the Almighty Universe, or that we are a result of a cosmic explosion complete with random cell changes resulting in the collective "us," we are all flawed. The species is flawed.  We have all made mistakes, said things we wish we could take back, wish we could reverse sew (rip out the stitches) some of the pieces of the quilt that is our life.  The simple and irrefutable fact is that we can't, time moves forward, and despite having a backup camera on our car to see what is behind us there is no reverse in the transmission of our life. So what do we do? Well, EMBRACE THE GARBAGE, admit that you not only have garbage but that it also stinks. Yup, my garbage may be different than yours but nonetheless it still stinks. In order to face your garbage you have to not only take a good long look in the proverbial mirror (sans make up, a fresh style, or designer clothes) to see your current self, but you also need to look back and take stock of everything you have done good, bad, or somewhere in between.

But forgiving myself? That's a lot easier to say than to actually do.  Like so many of us, I carry the guilt and shame of decisions made decades ago and letting go of that is hard because I've been carrying them for so long. We've become lifelong friends. BFF's.  Maybe I should make us friendship bracelets. There are things that I said and did that now, looking back, I feel like I could have done so very differently. I wish I had done differently. Admittedly some of the the things I said and did in my late teens and early 20's were the result of me allowing someone else's voice to run freely in my head and out of my mouth. I had neither the backbone nor the experience required to quiet the voices of others in order to develop my own voice. In short, I handled some things poorly and I know it.

So how in the world do I, or you, forgive ourselves?  Remember at the start of this blog I said that I wasn't going to use any "woo-woo" touchy feely stuff, just real stuff. To me that means when my friends, guilt and shame, come for a visit I have to tell them to take off, beat it, or at least have a seat in the back and be quiet. I'm not that person anymore.  That twenty year old girl has grown up and as a result grown wiser. That thirty year old faced down demons, dragons, and other awful things and lived to talk about it. That 40 year old  experienced terrible things yet lived and survived! That 50 year old made bold decisions,  took huge chances, learned and grew through life's experiences. Now, in my early 60's I feel that I am standing on the edge of a new chapter. New experiences await and although I would really like those experiences to be glorious recompence for the last 10-ish years I realize that isn't necessarily how life works.

Here's the thing, when we are young we never imagine that our lives may be less than perfect, we look to the future with anticipation and hope.  We never think that bad stuff is going to happen, that people will betray or otherwise harm us. We were taught and tended to believe that if we are good and kind people then in return the world will be good and kind to us. Unfortunately for a lot of us that isn't the case and our reactions may or may not be ideal because we are shocked, disappointed, caught off guard, or in some way derailed. I guess that is OK and to be expected because after all...

"Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach."