Boundaries. That word is everywhere!  Books, workshops and classes, speakers, internet memes. It is one of the many buzzwords of at least two generations. So why am I writing about it? Well, that's because honestly, I've never been very good about establishing or holding boundaries. Sure I respect lines of demarcation that other people set but not typically my own. I cave in order to not make waves, I don't want to hurt other peoples feelings so I try to be flexible, and recently I was told that I tend to offer too much grace to certain people. Yep, that one stung because it's true.  I tend to make excuses then cross my own boundaries. Those boundaries were there to protect myself and yet I cross my own lines and then set myself up to potentially get hurt.

No matter what side of the proverbial boundary you may be on the intent and the actions are the same, respect. Respect the boundary regardless of who set it.  If you set the boundary then hold that line, don't allow others to cross it.  If someone has set a boundary then respect that line and respect them! Don't cross it, don't run right up to the edge of it, and don't encourage someone else to try to do it for you. Boundaries are established for reasons we may not know and whether that is "private property," "do not enter," "one way only," "enter at your own risk,"  "no diving" or "employees only," we should respect it or cross at our own peril.

Women of a certain age were taught to "be nice, don't make waves, just deal with it, don't be rude."  Really? Is it ok for your husband (or anyone else for that matter) to make jokes at your expense because after all if everyone is laughing then it's all good, right? No, it's not. It's not ok, when you are a small child, and a family member or their friends tickle you until it hurts, until you cry, or wet your pants, even when you tell them again and again to stop, yet they continue.  Then being told that those people were just being funny, that it makes them laugh so it's ok. Hmmm...no it's not. If you want to have fun go buy a Slinky or a YoYo but don't get your kicks by torturing small children.

When you set that boundary hold that line. No excuses or reasons why. After all no means no. Full stop. " Do not talk to me like that." "Do not not treat me that way." "... that's not ok and you need to stop." " I told you to not do that again and you did so now I am leaving."

I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect.

The same is true even when the script is flipped.  Perhaps someone asked you to stop making certain jokes...so stop making them; or someone asked you to stop interrupting them, to let them finish their thought before commenting...so stop.  It's not funny to continue doing what you've been asked to stop doing.  It's rude and disrespectful. Sometimes it's  juvenile. So stop already.

It seems that the current and admissible state of our culture is that of rudeness and disrespect. It seems that it has become acceptable, dare I say unobjectionable,  to yell in someone's face to tell them they are wrong, or ignorant, or misinformed just because of differing viewpoints. Name calling and shaming seem to have become the norm, a permissible form of communication or even witty repartee. Verbal sport for some.  Although we may not agree I don't believe that I have the right to yell in your face or bait you with passive-aggressive remarks in the hopes of garnering a reaction... remember-just because you can doesn't mean you should, self-control is a beautiful thing. My kids grew up hearing me say that all the time and I laughed out loud the day my daughter texted me from her classroom to let me know that those words had just come out of her mouth.  Whew!  Better those words than something else I may have said along the way.

Several years ago I was a newcomer at a social event and shortly after sitting down the woman seated across from me started talking about our current and former presidents and without blinking she began yelling in my face that if I didn't believe and follow one particular political party then I was "stupid" (among other negative and demeaning adjectives) and then she regurgitated all the rhetoric associated with her political leanings. Not wanting to make a scene I slightly shrugged, shook my head just a little and looked away, joining a neighboring conversation. Did that make her angry? Yes, I think it did but the gate was shut and the boundary was set, at least from my standpoint. From that moment on I never initiated a conversation regarding our political views. We didn't necessarily like each other but we also never crossed that line by poking the proverbial dog; well I never did anyway, she did try a few times but I'd rather be a hungry fish than take the bait. Our ideologies did not align but that wasn't and isn't an excuse for either one of us to be mean and/or hurtful. Interestingly enough the very same day I began writing this something similar took place. Different circumstances, different location, different person, different everything, yet someone threw a political jab at me from across the room. Not ok. Not funny.  Zero respect. 

I wish we would all really try to be better humans, set and respect boundaries. Stephen Covey said, " Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen listen with the intent to reply." Let's try to listen to understand. Lets offer an attitude of listening rather than judging, connection rather than divisiveness.  

Don't worry, I am not about to get all touchy-feely or use any "woo-woo" psychology.  No Freudian stuff nor quotes from Carl Jung (I had a professor who referred to him as "Old Jughead," but alas I digress), and no references to Oprah, Iyanla, or Dr Phil. Not that any of those people aren't worth quoting it's just that I'm not going that direction, I'm thinking along much simpler lines. I'm speaking from my heart. From experience.

I recently saw this quote on social media and I felt like it jumped out of my cell phone and hit me between the eyes. Unfortunately the quote had been cut & pasted so many times that there was no attribution given, I wish there was because I'd like to thank them and give them a hug:

"Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach."

Face it, we have all made mistakes , and whether you believe in an Almighty Creator, the Almighty Universe, or that we are a result of a cosmic explosion complete with random cell changes resulting in the collective "us," we are all flawed. The species is flawed.  We have all made mistakes, said things we wish we could take back, wish we could reverse sew (rip out the stitches) some of the pieces of the quilt that is our life.  The simple and irrefutable fact is that we can't, time moves forward, and despite having a backup camera on our car to see what is behind us there is no reverse in the transmission of our life. So what do we do? Well, EMBRACE THE GARBAGE, admit that you not only have garbage but that it also stinks. Yup, my garbage may be different than yours but nonetheless it still stinks. In order to face your garbage you have to not only take a good long look in the proverbial mirror (sans make up, a fresh style, or designer clothes) to see your current self, but you also need to look back and take stock of everything you have done good, bad, or somewhere in between.

But forgiving myself? That's a lot easier to say than to actually do.  Like so many of us, I carry the guilt and shame of decisions made decades ago and letting go of that is hard because I've been carrying them for so long. We've become lifelong friends. BFF's.  Maybe I should make us friendship bracelets. There are things that I said and did that now, looking back, I feel like I could have done so very differently. I wish I had done differently. Admittedly some of the the things I said and did in my late teens and early 20's were the result of me allowing someone else's voice to run freely in my head and out of my mouth. I had neither the backbone nor the experience required to quiet the voices of others in order to develop my own voice. In short, I handled some things poorly and I know it.

So how in the world do I, or you, forgive ourselves?  Remember at the start of this blog I said that I wasn't going to use any "woo-woo" touchy feely stuff, just real stuff. To me that means when my friends, guilt and shame, come for a visit I have to tell them to take off, beat it, or at least have a seat in the back and be quiet. I'm not that person anymore.  That twenty year old girl has grown up and as a result grown wiser. That thirty year old faced down demons, dragons, and other awful things and lived to talk about it. That 40 year old  experienced terrible things yet lived and survived! That 50 year old made bold decisions,  took huge chances, learned and grew through life's experiences. Now, in my early 60's I feel that I am standing on the edge of a new chapter. New experiences await and although I would really like those experiences to be glorious recompence for the last 10-ish years I realize that isn't necessarily how life works.

Here's the thing, when we are young we never imagine that our lives may be less than perfect, we look to the future with anticipation and hope.  We never think that bad stuff is going to happen, that people will betray or otherwise harm us. We were taught and tended to believe that if we are good and kind people then in return the world will be good and kind to us. Unfortunately for a lot of us that isn't the case and our reactions may or may not be ideal because we are shocked, disappointed, caught off guard, or in some way derailed. I guess that is OK and to be expected because after all...

"Forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach."
 

   Move on...                                           Moving forward...

       Progress...                               Take the next step...                                       Initiate the next phase...

                           Keep pushing...                                                                          Forge ahead...

                pivot...Pivot...PIVOT...!

Oh, seriously I wish the world would just hush up. Please, for the love of euphemisms, aphorisms, and word play, just stop with well intentioned yet sometimes cliche sayings that are meant to encourage but can be really rather irritating and dare I say not necessarily always helpful. The collective "We" are trying, trust me we are. We wake up every morning and usually get out of bed, we may or may not eat breakfast or shower (if I don't my day just never gets the start I need it to, and my officemates are thankful that I do in fact shower daily), and go to whatever job provides the needed income.  Who is the collective "We" you ask?  There are those dealing with or recovering from various hardship, heartbreak, illness, death, rejection, disappointment, financial stress, family stress, work stress, or just general life stress.

In the past 7 months my step-dad died and I drove from my daughters house (in a different state) to my house to run laundry and repack and get at least one nights sleep in my own bed, then to my mom's house (in yet a 3rd state), to be with her and help her walk through those first few days and weeks alone and in shock. A few short weeks later I had to fly to Colorado to sue my ex-husband (nobody every really wins in that situation and it was one of the most unpleasant, non life threatening things I've willingly had to do). I have been diagnosed with a laundry list of auto-immune diseases. More recently I put almost $20K in repairs into my house. The front bumper of my car has hidden zip-ties holding it on because I chose to hit a wayward tire tread while traveling at about 65 mph on I-44 in OKC and also because my only other choices were to swerve and hit the car to my right or the concrete center barrier to my left. Alas, I chose to hit the tire tread. I've also seen and spent considerable time with my grand-toddlers on multiple occasions and that is always good for my attitude as well as my blood pressure.

Yeah, I know, life moves forward and so should I. I get that. I just need to get the momentum going...you know Newton's first Law of Motion (Law of Inertia), " An object at rest stays at rest, and an object in motion stays in motion at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by an unbalanced external force." Newtons second law of Motion has to do with acceleration. Ha! I'm not there yet. BUT his third law, the Law of Action and Reaction, states "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." 

Equal and Opposite Reaction. Yeah, that's me right now. An Equal AND Opposite reaction...like taking a step back.

Stepping back to the basic simple ways I learned how to do things. 

Cook: rather than cook from instinct or memory I have pulled out actual cookbooks (at last count I had upwards of 250-no joke) or recipe cards from my overfull Longaberger recipe box.  I re-read the recipes, made actual lists of what I needed after taking stock of what I already had in my pantry.  Yeah, like I did in the late 80's as a newlywed on the island of Guam.  Back then, despite living on base in government housing and my (now ex) husband on a 3 or 4 day duty rotation thus eating on the ship on his duty days, I was very frugal and wasted nothing! 

 True story- one night I decided to make a pot roast for dinner, although it wasn't an expensive piece of meat, it was to us. I seasoned the meat then put it in a screaming hot pan to sear it prior to putting it in the oven.  At one point I grabbed either the salt or pepper grinder to add a bit more seasoning and when I started to twist my hand something felt weird. When I finished I moved my hand from the side of the grinder to the top in order to place it back on the back of the stove...and that's when I saw it.  A baby gecko.  Apparently I had squished it and when I moved my hand the poor little guy had fallen into the pan. I had killed then cooked a baby gecko! I think I let out a little scream and then maybe a laugh but I was so upset because I was going to have to waste a perfectly good piece of beef!  At the time my husband was the FSO (Food Service Officer) for the ship and he promptly took over the situation...he removed the poor gecko from the pan, took the thermometer and checked the temp of the oil and of the meat and determined that any germs and/or bacteria would have been killed by the temperature but just in case I took the roast and placed it in a new pan, stuck it in the hot oven and finished cooking it. Yes, we ate the roast and no, we did not get sick. But you can bet that to this day I never pick up a salt or pepper grinder without checking for wayward geckos.

Most but not all of my cookbooks.Most but not all of my cookbooks.

These are most but not all of my cookbooks.

SEW: Just me, my machine, sometimes my cat, and music in the background.  The purr of my machine, the feel of the warp and weft of the fabric as it rhythmically glides under my fingertips. The slight sound of a rattling bobbin as it nears the end of it's thread, hoping that the seam and the the bobbin end simultaneously. Sewists and quilters refer to that as playing chicken. Washing, drying, and pressing (not ironing) the fabric. The slow steady process of opening a pattern, cutting out and pressing the pieces (my grandma taught me to press every pattern piece prior to laying it out and pinning to the fabric to ensure accurate cuts). 

Measure twice cut once. 

Photography: I look at everything as if I were looking through a camera lens, thinking of how wide I would shoot and how much I could crop. Seriously I do.  Unfortunately the best of my cameras is in need of repair and it has me really bummed.  Like my sewing machines, my cameras are just an extension of my hands, and when one isn't functioning properly I feel like I have a broken limb. I'll get it fixed...I will.  And I will continue with my photography.

Dating: I am simply unwilling to hurt someone else or be hurt due to any unhealed parts of me. Full Stop.

Step back. Notice the really little things. Look at life like my grand-toddlers do...with wonder and magic and complete abandon. To see the good, the funny, and the miraculous. To find inspiration again.

So yes, I am intentionally moving in the opposite direction in order to rest my mind, my heart, and my attitude. Yet, I know that I will, someday, be able to move forward with strength, ease, and grace.