Divorce is such a yucky word no matter how it is used. Sure, we are all familiar with the form of the word referring to two people who sever marital ties and often the word is also used in reference to severing other ties, such as divorcing oneself from a situation. It's so final. A ripping apart. Vows undone. One whole divided in two then catapulted in opposing directions. It's not a gentle process, it's not easy or clean and it's certainly not fun. It's emotionally devastating, financially difficult at best, and can cause physical ailments from the stress. I have heard many people describe it as a death to be mourned and I agree. The death of a marriage and in many cases entire families.  Even "amicable" divorces are not really clean or easy. Amicable! Now there's a word. My friends Merriam & Webster define amicable as being "characterized by friendly goodwill; peaceable..." ha, I have yet to truly see that in the context of a divorce.

When my parents divorced most of the yucky stuff was hidden from me and to some extent my sister; oh I knew it was there hiding under the surface like a rip current waiting to suck us all in and take us out to sea, but my parents' generation demanded that no one discuss any of it in front of the children. Uck...Taboo! I also remember a neighbor of ours who was divorced...oh the scandal of the late 60's-early 70's!   She had sons that were at least 10 years older than me which meant that I barely knew them if at all, they lived in a house like ours but unlike ours which had a huge hill in the back, they had a huge flat backyard with a pool. Anyway, at some point after the divorce, she (I remember her name actually but I will not use it) began going on national gameshows that were filmed in Los Angeles; The Dating Game, The Price is Right, Hollywood Squares etc. and if I remember correctly at one point she had won a lifetime supply of Mac & Cheese. Good for her! I do recall her "behavior" being criticized by the neighborhood adults because divorce was such a scandal back then.  She moved soon after that and the house had revolving door of new owners as if it were somehow cursed. Divorce... yeah beyond the pale for sure.

My aunt, my fathers only sister, died about 10 years ago and I vaguely recall in the '70s when she and her husband (my uncle) separated then divorced. I was young and all of the details were hidden from me, heck all I knew was that they "weren't getting along" which is why my uncle had gotten his own apartment. When they did divorce and eventually found other partners and married, they both still showed up to family events, everyone showed up. None of this "well it's your turn to be with so & so's family." Many years later I was talking to one of my cousins who spelled out the whole situation, and I was shocked and disappointed by the story but in the back of my mind and what stood out the most was that I still remembered how civil they were when everyone was together. Apparently my aunt had decreed that the family would always be together for holidays and celebrations no matter what. My parents didn't do that. In fact once my parents divorced I never spent a single holiday with my dad until after I was married and he came to us. That is so sad for so many reasons and I live with that regret. When I married, my mom and her then boyfriend (they married a few years later) and my brand new in-laws had a major falling out in the parking lot of the old Denver Stapleton Airport; four adults three of whom had known each other for close to 20 years, had what was described as a screaming match shortly after my new husband and I had just quite literally taken off for the nearly 24 hour journey to Guam. The argument was ridiculous, childish and totally unnecessary. From that moment on, the lines of division were drawn and we never shared a holiday with both families, not even after my children were born. Truth be told it was my husband who decided that, in order to keep the peace,  we would always have separate holidays and our parents just followed suit.  My guess is that it was just easier that way so no one argued with him; The Naval Officer said it so we did it. Yep, it was a bad plan poorly executed! My children grew up with not only a division of families but a chasm filled with hatred, hostility, animosity, and a total unwillingness to forgive (on both sides). The result was that my kids never had those tight bonds with any of their grandparents. Regretful and so sad.

Oh how I wish my aunt was still alive because I would love to talk to her about all of this, ask her how she was able to manage her emotions, carry on with her new reality, generally pick her brain about it all.  I was still married when she passed so there was never any reason for that conversation, and she was the type of person that offered absolutely no advice unless asked and even then she was cautious about how much she said. We did have some rather frank and emotional conversations about the school shooting because she had been an elementary teacher in a small town in the high desert of California for over 30 years and that type thing just didn't happen there. But the subject of her divorce? I won't say that it was verboten but that was just not something that was ever discussed.  I do believe that if she were still alive we could have that conversation, shoot I'd even fly out to California to have it in person.

So how does one do that and what does it even look like?  What I mean is, civility in the face of humiliation and pain how can I even pull that one off? I am strong but am I that strong? Well, I am determined to do just that because I am unwilling to miss time with my grand-toddlers. My integrity is intact and that says a lot because I have no reason to hide, stand down, or be ashamed. I do wish I had some advice or at least a wee bit of wisdom to offer but I don't. I'm just trying to figure this out as I go just as we all are. Sure there are a lot of self-help, psycho-babble, and religious based books out there but I prefer to think it through rather than be told what to do or how to think, and then perhaps I'll write more about my journey, because after all it is my journey and yours is not the same. 

As far as the grand-toddlers are concerned I look at it this way, the women in my family who died of old age lived to be in their mid 80's -mid 90's which means theoretically I have another 20-30+ years left on this earth and I am simply unwilling to avoid time with them because of a divorce. 

Integrity. Civility. Compassion. Authenticity. Courage. Accountability. Do those things even still exist in conjunction with each other anymore? Can they exist in a family torn apart due to divorce? My life philosophy is to "Live a Life of Integrity and Practice Grace Daily" and I try to, and I will continue to. I really will.