We live in a world that is and always has been filled with tragedies and loss and then the grief that follows, and while I am far from being an expert on the subject I do have some insights that might be of help to someone somewhere. No worries though, I have no plans to rehash any of my experiences here, I have written enough about 2013-2020 and have no desire whatsoever to dredge any of that back up. However, this is about how to find and embrace the bits of happiness that occur even in the darkest times as well as embracing the garbage of the worst times.

Today I had a conversation with my sister who happens to be going through some pretty heavy stuff right now and as I shared some of my thoughts with her it dawned on me that I really was on to something here. My philosophy of dealing with the fallout of of the yucky stuff life throws at you has some merit, I mean after all (despite all of the crummy stuff) I am still standing and try to find a reason to belly laugh every day.

No matter the wound, both the healing and recovery are usually painful. Physical injury can take a lot of time and energy (and a lot of calories-remember the two rare brain tumors I have recovered from) so feed yourself well and rest as often as needed. Emotional injury is no less taxing on your body so take care of it, it's the only body you've got. As you walk through your day(s) after a heartbreak or tragedy keep this in mind: there is a first minute, a first hour, a first day/week/month/year. Keep in mind all of the firsts and realize when you have gotten through each one to celebrate those victories!

Before reading any farther, please give yourself some grace. If you falter give yourself some grace- then get back up. No one expects you to be perfect just be better than you were yesterday; if you have a bad day that's ok there is always tomorrow. Are you ready?

1-Embrace your garbage!  No, not the stuff you put on the street once a week for pick up, although that visual can come into play a little later.  What I am referring to here is whatever you are going through that you think you can't get through...embrace it!  If you need to cry, go ahead and make it an ugly cry. If you need to yell at it, go ahead.  Feel the pain, the anguish, the sadness, the despair, but don't wallow in it. At first you may cry for hours or days and if that what you need then do it, then when you are finished with that session take a deep breath or two and stand up. Congratulations, you felt your pain!  You didn't stuff it down deep inside and you didn't ignore it in hopes that it will someday disappear.  You embraced it.  Do it as often as you need to and eventually those emotional embraces will become less intense and shorter in length. If you are stuck and just can't seem to get passed this point then seek out professional help, there is no reason to bear the pain alone. Professionals have a variety of tools to aid you and they will be there by your side so you know you are safe. I  know this because I was in need of professional help to get through something I thought I couldn't and those tools came in to play later when faced with other circumstances I thought I'd never get through. The professionals taught me to trust the process and to trust that I had the strength to do "the work" to heal.  You can do this!

2-Embrace the happiness!  There is always something to laugh at, and although I don't know the physiology or the chemistry behind it, I do know that laughing is good for you.  Just because you are in a dark place doesn't mean that you can't laugh at things that are funny, allow yourself the pleasure of feeling joy when it is around you.  Even if you have to pull up 'when dogs fail' videos in order to laugh, do it! Pretty soon you will be so comfortable laughing guilt-free despite your circumstances and will start to feel better. It really is Ok to laugh in the midst of grief, you are not being irreverent or dismissive of your grief, you are simply experiencing life despite your pain. Notice beauty. Marvel at something you have never seen before. Allow yourself to feel the good that is around you. See the humor, giggle with a child, laugh at yourself. Dance in the rain (really...do it...it feels great as long as there is no hail). Embrace the joy!  You can do this!

3-Embrace the good days (and count them!). Eventually the good days will begin to outnumber the bad ones.  Eventually you will start waking up in the morning and the first thing you think about will not be whatever you are dealing with; count that as a WIN (and a good day). This will not happen instantaneously but it will happen.  One particular event that overlapped with another event that happened during my 7-year game of human Whack-a-Mole took at least 3 years before the first thing I thought about when I woke up was something other than either (or both) events. At one point I was simply happy to have an hour a day that wasn't consumed by grief or deep gut wrenching pain, and when I started to realize that, those hours became 2,3,4+ hours I knew I was inching my way toward healing. Notice those moments. Embrace the tiny steps. You may have a marathon ahead of you but you cannot finish it if you don't even start. You can do this!

If all of this sounds like an easy 3-step process, it is not, but it is attainable.

Remember that garbage?  When you are ready, think of what you have been through and let "it" go, put it on the curb and let the professionals haul it away. Take it off your "hook" so you don't need to carry it around with you. And frankly don't be surprised that you may have to go through some more pain in the process but be sure to embrace it, then say goodbye to it.  Acknowledge what you have learned through it, how you have grown and changed, because you have or you wouldn't be ready to truly move on.

You can do this!