Intro to my book about Forgiveness.
When you are a child forgiveness is more of a 10 second exchange that sounds something like this: Mom- “Tell your brother/sister you are sorry.” You-“Sorry...” Brother/sister-“It’s Ok.” Then you go back to whatever you were doing. That is a kid-to-kid apology which is nothing like true forgiveness. Forgiveness is a BIG word, it’s a process, a multilayered daily act that goes far beyond an apology. An apology… the words “I’m sorry” even when the adverbs “so” or "very" precludes “sorry” then punctuated by an exclamation mark, are totally worthless. Devoid of meaning, the value is nil. It’s a grocery bag full of marshmallows when what you need is a refrigerator full of food… $5 for gas on a road trip when the price is $5 a gallon and you drive a behemoth SUV. Where do you even start when your emotional bank account, now overdrawn, yet your spouse wants to cash yet another check? The words, “It’s OK..” have no place in actual forgiveness.
“F-you jerk face! Go count the pennies in your own piggy bank (not the kids) and get a hotel room. Better yet, go stay with one of your home wrecking floozies!” “An affair you say? I’LL SHOW YOU…where’s the credit card?” “Oh, you really did it this time…just wait… I tell your boss, your parents, AND your best friend!”
I didn’t actually say or do any of these things, and truth-be-told the night he began to tell me about his affairs (it took over a week for him to get through most, but not all, of the ugly truth) also included a puking 7-year-old, so when he packed a bag and began heading out the door, I wouldn’t let him. That’s correct, I actually stopped him in his lying cheating, floozie loving tracks. After all, why should he get off Scott-free when I was the actual parent sleeping on the floor next to the puking child, hoping to get the trashcan somewhere within range of the projectile vomit? More truth-be-told, his packed bag contained very little in the way of clothing, his seldom opened Bible, and his favorite hand-gun affectionately named “Bubba” which actually had been my fathers. Although I wished the situation was not unfolding, and I wished he was not actually standing anywhere near me, I did not in fact wish him dead, well not by his own hand anyway. Now if he happened to be hit by a train while leaving town, or bitten by an alligator in our Charleston, SC neighborhood, so be it, but I never wished that he take his own life. That was actually the first time I stopped him from killing himself, the second time was about 7 years later when he returned from a boots-on-the-ground tour in Iraq (yes, he was one of a select few Navy Officers to do so).
Back to forgiveness…where or how to even start? The internet was pretty sparse at the time and believe it or not it wasn’t even on my radar as a place to start looking for resources. I would need to go to an actual library or bookstore where there were actual books…on shelves…divided by categories. “Is there even a category for stupid military wives that have been cheated on numerous times…?” I just didn’t even know how to begin.
Go to our pastor? No way. I had a misguided sense that I had to protect his (my husband's) reputation.
It’s a good thing that my dad had already passed a few years before otherwise he would have done a reverse “Cannonball Run” straight to the east coast and killed his lying-cheating-floozie-loving-son-in-law. Oh, you don’t know what Cannonball Run is? No worries the internet can help you with that. And you may be thinking that I exaggerate just wee bit about my dad, I’m not. My dad thought my ex-husband walked on water, that he hung the moon, and that he was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me, so if he were to find out that both he (my dad) and I had been made fool of, well that wise crackin’ former mortician father of mine would have flipped his proverbial lid and gathered all of his ammo and southern California street smarts (have you ever driven in LA?) and, well you fill in the blanks.
I prayed a lot, and by “a lot” I mean a lot of mumbo jumbo that only God himself could understand. I read my Bible but I just couldn’t find the kind of hard core, straight shooting, plain spoken advise that I needed at the time. Like what do you actually do in this situation, where do you even start? My mind was such a mess that I couldn’t make sense of it all.
Finally, I decided that I would forgive him, and by forgive what I really meant was that I would put my ring back on and pretend like none of this really happened so we could get back to normal. Normal with a dearth of trust. Normal with a still broken heart. Normal with the understanding that if he EVER cheated again, I would be G.O.N.E. No second chances, and no chance of him having any custody of MY children. Normal with the understanding that in God’s eyes I was free to go at any time because he is the one who cheated not me, and I could not and would not ever forget that fact. A tad self-righteous? Perhaps. Forgiveness That’s the “elephant in the room.” That is a big word. That’s a loaded word. Loaded not like “Bubba.” Loaded more like a baked giant russet potato, split in half and doused in gravy then filled with bacon, shredded cheese, diced green onion, mushrooms, then sour cream, salt & pepper…well, you get the picture. That potato is so big that you are sure you want to actually eat it but even with small bites you are sure it will be impossible to eat and soon you will need an extra-large to-go box. Forgiveness Where do you even start? Your heart broken, your mind spinning, and the few people you talk to tell you to kick him to the curb. But what if what you are having to forgive isn’t a floozie loving soon to be former spouse? What if that floozie loving soon to be former spouse isn’t the first or even the “biggest” thing you have to forgive? Just like that baked potato, forgiveness can be a big chunk to try to swallow even when you have a pitcher of sweet tea standing by to help wash it down. When there are family and friends standing by watching you to see if you can do it and cheering you on even when you feel like you just can’t. Forgiveness What would happen if I chose un-forgiveness? What would happen if I just said, “NO!” I am not going to forgive the man who hit me with his car while I was riding my bike to school when I was in the 6th grade. What if I said, “NO!” I don’t care if he drives one of the church busses and will get a ticket and potentially lose his driver’s license. What if I say, “NO! I will NOT lie!” Even when the pastor’s wife who happens to be the school principal, tells me that I cannot tell anyone who hit me. What if I chose unforgiveness and carry this secret, this burden, for the remainder of my life? That is a convoluted tale that even now I struggle with, because I had never really dealt with the forgiveness thing, and I did indeed do as told and I lied about it. I lied about it to everyone who asked because the wife of the pastor of a large church and school in Southern California told me to. She only told me to lie, not to forgive. Read that again. She told me to lie not to forgive. I was 11 years old. What if I chose un-forgiveness for the high school senior, at the school where I worked, who propped a door open one day, a Friday the 13th, and with his shotgun, rounds of ammo strung across his chest Rambo Style, a machete, and three Molotov cocktails came into the school with the sole intention of killing the librarian as well as anyone who stood in his way? Forgiveness? That took a long time, not because I couldn’t or wouldn’t but because I had to process the actual reality that I had been in a school shooting. What if I couldn’t forgive…what if I chose unforgiveness instead? I now was a member of a rapidly growing club in the US and absolutely no one wanted to be a part of. The school shooting survivors club. Forgiveness...yep, that IS a big word.
CommentaryCommentary (September 2022): My mind has been spinning for the last few days regarding some social media posts that were less than encouraging to the group in which they were directed. The following are my thoughts in no particular order of importance. I am not asking for "likes" or an argument, just some things that we as a profession and a country need to consider. In many professions there are mentors, some that are formal some that are not, but nevertheless there are experienced people that lift up and mentor "newbies." As a new interpreter there was a fellow interpreter who willingly and gladly took me under her wing and all she asked in return was that I "pass it on." Every time I call or texted her to thank her she always said the same thing, "You're welcome and now pass it on." She never asked for anything in return. No matter how many mistakes I made she NEVER put me down, sure her criticisms could be harsh but she never pulled rank, never told me that I "hadn't paid my dues yet," If she said something that hurt my ego I new I could talk to her about it. No gossip or smack talk from either one of us. Flash forward to when I mentored, sometimes I could be harsh but I always tried to be fair. There were some that welcomed that and others who didn't, no worries though because my goal was to "pass it on" and see more higher qualified interpreters in our schools. Horizontal violence was never in my wheelhouse. There are "newbies" that think they know more because they just graduated and have all of the latest information and theories. Hmmm...OK. There are seasoned interpreters who look down on newbies because they have no experience. Hmmm...OK. And there are A LOT more scenarios that play out within our profession, but WHY can some of us be so hurtful, condescending, and unprofessional. Some people know what I am about to say and others don't but here goes anyway...I had a 7 year period that started with a school shooting and ended with a divorce. I wasn't always happy, I wasn't always nice, and I did hope that people would extend me some grace because it took everything inside of me to get up, show up, and not be that hurt person that hurt people. Within the profession I found people that would hold me as I cried, they would send me encouraging texts, and many brought me meals when I had to deal with a second rare brain tumor just two years into what would be 7 years of hell. Yet there were others that would accuse me "so defensive" and didn't want to even be around me for whatever reasons they could think of. Hmmm...Ok, fair enough, I was playing a game of human whack-a-mole and just trying to survive.
Edit (March 2023): I am not sure where I was going with this when I started writing this several months ago, and I know it was not directed at any one person or even group of people, nonetheless I can't remember what my ultimate point was but I will try to write a befitting conclusion. Horizontal violence, gossip, back stabbing, bullying, whatever name you want to attach to it is never ok. I was talking to a new friend late into the night last night/this morning, this new friend is a very successful business owner in the OKC area and at the center of the business philosophy and plan is respect for others. When did we stop respecting others and start blaming others for our shortcomings? When did bullying, in all its iterations, become acceptable? Why is hate so prevalent? Why is yelling your opinion in the face of someone you disagree with the new default? As I said, I don't recall where I was going when I started writing this and I assure you that I am not directing this in any one direction while spinning a compass to see where true north is. Since I had already titled this "Commentary" I will assume that was what was on my mind.
There Once Was a Girl
There once was a girl who had energy and spark despite being painfully shy; she
There once was a girl who loved to roller skate, and swim, and dance; she wanted to learn to play the piano, and the flute, and be a gymnast like her dad but was repeatedly told "no!" That girl had compassion for those less fortunate but was chided with with a constant refrain of "Why do you have to be so nice?" and, "Why does everyone like you?" As if those are things to be ashamed of. There once was a girl who had friends of all backgrounds and colors, she didn't understand the hate and the jokes about people that weren't "white." She was often asked why she "...couldn't hang out with better people..." because she was told that her friends weren't good enough or smart enough. There once was a girl who wanted to become a professional photographer but was told by many people that she had no talent or skill and should just find some other hobby. There once was a girl that fell in love with a boy, but they were young and those feelings were hard to understand and the two of them fell apart.
There once was a girl who fell in love, this time it was for the long haul, but he lied and cheated and broke her spirit. Her heart was shattered, her spark long since dimmed to barely a flicker, moving forward seemed like a herculean effort one in which she had no energy for even lifting her foot to take a step. There once was a girl who raised two tiny humans who now are now phenomenal adults. There once was a girl who realized that she was no longer a girl despite how she was treated by those that she thought loved her. The condemnation, blame, lies, crushing comments, and being treated like girl who was incapable of making her own decisions, once she was able to put all that on a shelf and walk away, she began to heal. Very slowly; teeny tiny steps towards being a whole person. With every few steps she could look back and see how far she'd come, feeling as if she could look ahead and almost see the finish line. One day she realized that she had come so much farther than she thought she had needed to, that the pit she was crawling out of was so much deeper and darker than she'd realized, yet with grit and perseverance she began to emerge from it's dark, sticky, fingerlike grasp. There once was a girl whose body paid a heavy price for all she had to carry; it was if each nasty thing said to her literally became a weight on her tiny shoulders. She tried to stand up straight but it was all too much to bear; the weight of it all made it so hard to hold her head high and look people in the eye. She felt as if she shrunk back enough she could become invisible because that was how she felt, invisible, nonexistent, unworthy. There now stands a woman who faces each day with a smile and "Good morning, God!" She loves fiercely, laughs frequently, cries unabashedly, and is so astonished by the darkness and depth of that pit that she crawled out of. That woman now wonders just how far she'll go now that she is back on sunny solid ground. Now she can look back at the ones who tried to crush her, the ones who threw callous accusations at her, the ones who took advantage of her weaknesses by trying to further crush her spirit...now she can look back with pity at those people because she realizes the pit they are trying to crawl out of but don't realize it. There once was a girl who is still that girl but now appears as a mature woman, and like that lighthouse perched on a cliff, she holds her her head as high as possible and lets her spark burn as a beacon of light on a dark night.
Recent Alaskan CruiseFor those of you that follow or have read my blog posts you will know at least two things about me: 1-I had a rough 7 year stretch that began with a school shooting and ended with a divorce, and, 2-I don't have a bucket list. But if I did have a bucket list a cruise to Alaska would be near the top of it! I have wanted to take an Alaskan cruise for many years but my former spouse actually forbade me to take a cruise without him and he refused to go on a cruise (being a former Navy Officer and avid water-skier his reasoning was that if you "can't drive it, ski behind it, or shoot at it what's the point?"), so alas although he and I had visited Alaska I never got my cruise. Until recently.
The cruise was magnificent, dare I say magical. For many years a dear friend of mine, of almost 30 years, and I wanted to do a girls trip but we could never make it happen. As soon as my divorce was final in 2020 we discussed trying to travel in 2021, because surely COVID would be under control and travel would open back up, but shortly after 2021 began she experienced not one but two tragic losses and I decided to leave my beloved Colorado and move a few states away to be closer to my adult children, so that was a non-starter. When things began to smooth out in 2022 we began planning a trip, originally we thought about going to Iceland but quickly agreed on the cruise to Alaska aboard The Majestic Princess and we booked our tickets through Susan Pretkus-Combs at Dream Vacations . I had absolutely no idea what to pack or how to pack it, I used The Google for ideas but came up short so I thought that I would need A LOT of clothes and a very large suitcase for a 10-day cruise-tour. Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong! Here are some Do's & Dont's (not an exhaustive list): DO pack your patience and unless you plan to bring a lot of that with you DON'T bring a huge suitcase.
DO bring hats-for sun protection as well as warmth, trust me you may need both. Also, add a pair of gloves. DO bring a camera! Cell phone cameras have come a long way as far as quality and a good photographer can take a great photo with just about anything, but don't rely entirely on your iPhone, you will also want a "good" camera with a zoom lens. You DON'T need to spend thousands of dollars on a pro or pro-sumer camera, but I highly recommend a decent camera with good glass (lens) for those once in a lifetime photos of a breaching whale, bald eagle, or anything else you think you might want to enlarge and hang in your home. Speaking of cameras- I suggest a low key bag for the camera, a high end bag screams, "Steal me, I have good stuff inside!" and bring a monopod as opposed to a tri-pod, it's much easier to pack and some placed so not allow the use of tripods. No matter what camera you bring DO include a a rain sleeve, a cleaning cloth designed for cameras, a soft brush designed for camera lenses, battery charger and backup battery, and extra SD cards. DO bring an all-weather coat, I purchased one with a zip-out lining and was glad I did.
If you plan on attending the formal nights DO bring one outfit for each night but one pair of shoes you can wear with both (to save space).
DO bring good walking shoes that fit right, as well as several pairs of socks (pack them in the shoes to save space). A good rule of thumb is to pack 2 shirts for every one pair of pants/shorts. DON'T bring too many pairs of either, the ship has a laundry room on each level. DO pack both long and short sleeved shirts. Did you know that Alaska has LOTS of mosquitoes? That being said, DON'T wear perfume/cologne if you plan on taking any shore excursion where you might be outside for more than a few minutes or you will be covered in bites! Shore excursions can be a lot of fun as well as pricey; DO plan the ones that you know you don't want to miss but also be willing to get off the ship and see what's offered in town.
Cellphones (again)- To prevent roaming charges DO put them on "airplane mode" when you are at sea, the ship has WiFi so you can still post on social media if you choose. DO explore the ship, you won't see it all but you may find some fun things to do.
Packing: DON'T bring a huge suitcase, rather bring something larger than a carry-on size but leave Big Bertha at home-this will save your arms and back as well as unwanted charges for overweight luggage. To save space you DON'T need to bring a hairdryer-there will be one in the room as well as a clothes iron in the laundry room. DO purchase Compression Bags to aid in condensing space. DO purchase a Passport Wallet, this is the one I chose and was very pleased with it because of the zippered inside pockets as well as the zipper around the whole wallet. DO consider bringing a daypack/backpack for excursions, a tote bag is just not that practical. Electronics- DO bring an extension cord for your room, and although there were USB ports for charging I brought a multiple USB charger which came in handy. The cruise we were on was at 55% capacity thanks to COVID precautions, and the staff was a bit pared down as well which meant they were working double time to accommodate everyone so please DO consider a cash tip for your room steward at the end of the cruise. DO bring a sense of humor...you'll have a great time!
Addendum to "A note to my Children-Thoughts About Marriage"Well, a few months after writing A Note to My Children-Thoughts About Marriage I discovered some texts on my husband's cell phone. I was not snooping on his phone, they came in as I was standing next to the counter where the phone lay, and I saw them. I will not go into detail about the contents but I will say that 6 months after our 32 "anniversary" (which by the way was the day I closed on my townhouse), we were officially divorced. Due to the pandemic I was notified by email and with that one email and a brief whimper it was over. Thirty-two years. I don't regret a moment because although I am far from perfect, I did keep my wedding vows and I have a clear conscience. In the almost 2 years since that very odd "anniversary" I have bought and sold a townhouse, moved to another state to be closer to my adult children whom I adore, and in the process bought a house. I did, however, leave some incredibly special people when I moved and that tugs at my heart everyday, and frankly I am afraid to tell some of them just how badly I miss them. No regrets (mostly). I have also done ( and continue to do) the hard work to heal and be as whole as possible, I won't lie though, the work is hard. There are far more good days than bad days and I work with a group of educators who have been so loving and supportive even though we just met. I interpret at a church almost every Sunday and will soon be starting a Divorce Care group through my church. I feel blessed. In short, this addendum is to simply say that everything I wrote in the original blog post still holds true despite my divorce, but I would like to add a few summarizing bullet points: Love your spouse! Do not lie or keep secrets. Never betray their trust. Remember, they are a gift to be cherished, not a thing to be controlled. You can never say "I love you" too much.  Catherine & StetsonMy daughter and son in-law...so happy he joined our family!
My daughter & son in-law...so glad he joined our family!
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