Tragedy, Loss, Grief, and Finding Happiness During the RecoveryWe live in a world that is and always has been filled with tragedies and loss and then the grief that follows, and while I am far from being an expert on the subject I do have some insights that might be of help to someone somewhere. No worries though, I have no plans to rehash any of my experiences here, I have written enough about 2013-2020 and have no desire whatsoever to dredge any of that back up. However, this is about how to find and embrace the bits of happiness that occur even in the darkest times as well as embracing the garbage of the worst times. Today I had a conversation with my sister who happens to be going through some pretty heavy stuff right now and as I shared some of my thoughts with her it dawned on me that I really was on to something here. My philosophy of dealing with the fallout of of the yucky stuff life throws at you has some merit, I mean after all (despite all of the crummy stuff) I am still standing and try to find a reason to belly laugh every day. No matter the wound, both the healing and recovery are usually painful. Physical injury can take a lot of time and energy (and a lot of calories-remember the two rare brain tumors I have recovered from) so feed yourself well and rest as often as needed. Emotional injury is no less taxing on your body so take care of it, it's the only body you've got. As you walk through your day(s) after a heartbreak or tragedy keep this in mind: there is a first minute, a first hour, a first day/week/month/year. Keep in mind all of the firsts and realize when you have gotten through each one to celebrate those victories! Before reading any farther, please give yourself some grace. If you falter give yourself some grace- then get back up. No one expects you to be perfect just be better than you were yesterday; if you have a bad day that's ok there is always tomorrow. Are you ready?
1-Embrace your garbage! No, not the stuff you put on the street once a week for pick up, although that visual can come into play a little later. What I am referring to here is whatever you are going through that you think you can't get through...embrace it! If you need to cry, go ahead and make it an ugly cry. If you need to yell at it, go ahead. Feel the pain, the anguish, the sadness, the despair, but don't wallow in it. At first you may cry for hours or days and if that what you need then do it, then when you are finished with that session take a deep breath or two and stand up. Congratulations, you felt your pain! You didn't stuff it down deep inside and you didn't ignore it in hopes that it will someday disappear. You embraced it. Do it as often as you need to and eventually those emotional embraces will become less intense and shorter in length. If you are stuck and just can't seem to get passed this point then seek out professional help, there is no reason to bear the pain alone. Professionals have a variety of tools to aid you and they will be there by your side so you know you are safe. I know this because I was in need of professional help to get through something I thought I couldn't and those tools came in to play later when faced with other circumstances I thought I'd never get through. The professionals taught me to trust the process and to trust that I had the strength to do "the work" to heal. You can do this!
2-Embrace the happiness! There is always something to laugh at, and although I don't know the physiology or the chemistry behind it, I do know that laughing is good for you. Just because you are in a dark place doesn't mean that you can't laugh at things that are funny, allow yourself the pleasure of feeling joy when it is around you. Even if you have to pull up 'when dogs fail' videos in order to laugh, do it! Pretty soon you will be so comfortable laughing guilt-free despite your circumstances and will start to feel better. It really is Ok to laugh in the midst of grief, you are not being irreverent or dismissive of your grief, you are simply experiencing life despite your pain. Notice beauty. Marvel at something you have never seen before. Allow yourself to feel the good that is around you. See the humor, giggle with a child, laugh at yourself. Dance in the rain (really...do it...it feels great as long as there is no hail). Embrace the joy! You can do this!
3-Embrace the good days (and count them!). Eventually the good days will begin to outnumber the bad ones. Eventually you will start waking up in the morning and the first thing you think about will not be whatever you are dealing with; count that as a WIN (and a good day). This will not happen instantaneously but it will happen. One particular event that overlapped with another event that happened during my 7-year game of human Whack-a-Mole took at least 3 years before the first thing I thought about when I woke up was something other than either (or both) events. At one point I was simply happy to have an hour a day that wasn't consumed by grief or deep gut wrenching pain, and when I started to realize that, those hours became 2,3,4+ hours I knew I was inching my way toward healing. Notice those moments. Embrace the tiny steps. You may have a marathon ahead of you but you cannot finish it if you don't even start. You can do this!
If all of this sounds like an easy 3-step process, it is not, but it is attainable. Remember that garbage? When you are ready, think of what you have been through and let "it" go, put it on the curb and let the professionals haul it away. Take it off your "hook" so you don't need to carry it around with you. And frankly don't be surprised that you may have to go through some more pain in the process but be sure to embrace it, then say goodbye to it. Acknowledge what you have learned through it, how you have grown and changed, because you have or you wouldn't be ready to truly move on. You can do this! Sometimes I am So Surprised!People never cease to surprise me and I don't know why. Think about it, I am a photographer who specializes in portraits and weddings, I meet A LOT of people and I see A LOT of interesting personalities! People laughing, crying, saying side busting funny things or rude and hurtful things all at the same event. Being the daughter of a mortician inappropriate humor is in my DNA and sometimes things come out of my mouth that surprise me too. I am also an interpreter so I meet a varied assortment of interesting people all of whom I treat with unconditional positive regard and whose confidences I keep unconditionally. Additionally, I have been a people watcher for as long as I can remember so one would think that very little about human nature would surprise me. For those who have followed this blog since it's inception in 2012 you have journeyed to various weddings, pro bono photo shoots, dipped your big toe into life as a Navy wife, been exposed to some of my other interests like cooking and quilting, and more serious life events like a school shooting, a rare tumor, and now a divorce. About two months prior to my world falling apart I had written a blog to my kids about marriage, ironic I know, but every word still rings true. You see at that time I had been keeping a 20 year secret that like an inflated beachball held under water I knew the truth would come screaming to the top sooner or later and of course it did. I am just so sorry to have kept that secret from so many people. Please understand that I am a survivor not a victim, and I am neither complaining nor asking for sympathy. This is simply my journey.
Back to the main topic though, what surprises me about people is how they respond to things. I knew with this divorce would come the loss of friends and for that I was prepared but what I wasn't prepared for was who those friends would be. It has not been the mutual friends as expected, his family that I was friends with, nor my deeply religious friends or military friends, no...it has been a few friends that I have had for 30-40 years! The ones that I would turn to when I needed a cooler head to bounce ideas off of, or the ones that called me out of the blue just to talk or when they were in need of cooler head. Granted, there have only been one or two so far, and it has only been two years since all of this began to unfold so honestly that's really not too bad, yet I am still surprised. I was taken by surprise at how many people offered me support, a kind ear, a warm heart, and a depth of friendship that hadn't existed before. In contrast with those are the ones who have experienced the same thing for the same reasons and offered little to no support. Perhaps I had unrealistic expectations. I was told by co-workers that I was "prickly" and sometimes defensive....ummm HELLO... I never hid the stuff I have experienced during that seven year period. A wee bit of grace please. Forgiveness is a big word and it is hard, really hard. Recently I heard an analogy about what forgiveness means and what it looks like; to forgive does not mean that you are letting that person "off the hook" it means that you are letting them off your hook and giving it to God to handle. By letting that person off your hook, you are freeing yourself from carrying all of the hate/resentment/bitterness and whatever other junk comes with it. Honestly, I don't hate my ex-husband and I have let him off my hook for all the hurt & lies. Lord knows I'm not perfect either. In the words of the current generation, "So yeah." I am surprised by all of it. What I am most surprised about is how at peace I am with all. It is all good. And just in case you didn't know:
An old post -Recently FinishedYou may or may not have noticed that I have not posted a blog in a few years; sure I have had many ideas running through my head but just never put them down on "paper." There are many reasons for the proverbial silence including the negative feedback I have received about being so honest about so many things, I realized how people don't necessarily want to be educated about things they know nothing about, they want to rely on what they think they know and fail to see other points of view. One topic I have been been quite vocal about is school shootings, especially here in Colorado where we have had more than a few, not to mention the Aurora Theater shooting. The reaction of many has been to ban guns because after all you can't have a shooting without a gun, right? Another more recent reaction has been for Colorado to pass the "Red Flag" law which "... allows a family member or law enforcement to petition a court to temporarily remove someone’s guns for up to a year." Hmm... ok. There is some controversy over that but I will not take that rabbit trail. Another more popular thought floating around is the hiring of Combat Veteran's to police schools. Yes, I like the idea. To an extent. My (now ex) husband is combat vet but he would most certainly rather be teaching in those schools or being an administrator. That's not my point though, sure I would love to see out of work veterans working, and just think of the kind of role model they could be for those kids? But what about all those random noises in schools combined with a vet who may also have PTSD? I know all to well about those noises because I work in a school... and I have PTSD from a school shooting. There are days that I must exercise a HUGE amount of self control to not run in to the hallway and yell at a kid that is kicking a locker. Just a few days ago during a passing period a very tall 8th grader started pounding on the glass case that held the fire extinguisher... well you guessed it I unleashed my quiet voice and yelled so loudly that not only did he stop and look at me but so did everyone else. I think that I actually scared him! All of the above are reactions to what has been happening in our communities but what about being proactive for a change! How about we start with our homes; locking up guns (if you have them ) and locking up the ammo in a separate place is a good start. But let's back up a little. BEING PROACTIVE Imagine a home where parent's and children have meals together, at the table, or kitchen island, or kitchen bar. Imagine that family actually preparing that meal together with no distractions from the TV, or computer, or *gasp* cellphones! Imagine families that went back to having game nights, or movie nights complete with pizza, popcorn and root beer floats. Or how about off the grid camp-outs with fishing, campfires, s'mores, and sleeping bags. Now let us think about families where parents are not some sort of machine analogy cliche like a helicopter picking their children up and out of trouble, or a snow plow clearing all the frozen obstacles from the path the parents want the kids to take; where the proverbial road less traveled isn't even a choice but the road to Harvard is completely free from potholes and roadkill. Think about families that teach their children respect, responsibility, accountability, civility and manners, consequences, and a solid work ethic. A place where you must contribute to the household duties not because you get paid but because you are part of the family, and when you do get paid for chores you are actually taught how to budget that money. CULTURE Several years ago I was asked what my culture was... I had no response. My mind told me, "American" but then I thought that there isn't an American Culture. I was wrong, there is an American Culture and some of it isn't very pretty. We are taught to ignore and even hate people who don't look like us. Recently I saw an ad for Cadillac which features a successful woman of color at the wheel of brand new Cadillac and as she's driving through a neighborhood (presumably hers) she looks at and even points to and nods at the children playing. She SEE'S them and acknowledges them as valuable members of the human race. I love that ad! I wish more people would actually look at and see people as valuable. We are also taught to devalue age above about 40, grey hair, wrinkles, anything that isn't perky anymore. I have good genes in respect to my hair and skin meaning that I still have my natural hair color and, thanks to copious amounts of sunblock over the years, very few wrinkles. But that doesn't mean that I am valued for my age. In a female dominated profession (sign language interpreting) I am viewed as being old and outdated; frankly that is not true, I came to this profession in my 40's and have always kept up with the changes in the profession. Another thing our society and culture teaches us is to lie. Now let that sink in for just a second or two... think about how many times as a young child you are told to be nice to the creepy store clerk (or whoever), to be sweet even when someone has wronged you in some way. Oh, I am not talking about manners here, I am talking about having to stuff your feelings down so deep as to not upset someone else. Please understand the context of this next story: Los Angeles suburbs 1970's and desegregation or "bussing" was in full effect , my parents had placed my sister and I in a private school to avoid bussing in all forms. Unless it was raining we would ride our bikes the 2 miles to school. I am still burdened by an event that happened when I was still in elementary school; I was riding my sisters bike and was hit by a car on my way to that school and as it turned out the man that hit me was a Sunday School bus driver for the church the school was attached to. As soon as that little nugget of truth was made known I was told to not tell anyone so as to not ruin his reputation (or have his bus driver's license revoked). My guess is that my father was probably angry enough to want to track this man down and settle things himself, and I am quite sure that the fact that the man was probably never issued any type of a ticket or reprimand really scorched my dad's collar. Yet, we were all told to lie. When I was at school I was told to lie about what happened and then the whole thing was treated as if it had never happened. It was layers of lies by people I trusted. That was a huge crack in the delicate shell of my soul and to this day, despite my love of classic cars, I cannot look at a '57 Chevy without thinking of the day in October 1976. The flip side of what our society doesn't value is what it does value. If someone handed you a piece of lined paper right now how much of it could you fill with what American society in general values? Go to a mall and sit in the food court and really watch the people there and write down what you see. Go to a grocery store and take note of how many moms with young children in the cart are on their cell phone and not talking to those children. A mall and a grocery store are truly language rich environments, a plethora of opportunities to teach your children language and values. Sadly what I see is that our society values youth, beauty, money, status. I see children being ignored by their parents and then act out at school, but the teachers are powerless to do anything because the district is afraid of being sued by those same parents. I see adults who bully adults and then their children go to school and repeat that behavior, and then parents who wonder where that behavior came from. I see children drop and break a cell phone costing $1,000 and then laugh it off because there mom or dad will buy them a new one. I see students of all ages throw temper tantrums as well as desks and chairs when they don't get their way, or when they don't get an A on a test they failed. If everyone gets a trophy what does the winner get? If everyone gets a trophy then who truly wins?
Ok...not sure where I was going with this blog. Something about being Proactive vs Reactive I think. Well, I guess this one could be filed under "Thoughts to Ponder" because if I were younger I would remember the reason for this post and I would be able to put a nice bow on it.
Oh, My Word!Anyone else out there have parents or grandparents that would loudly exclaim, "My Word!" when they were shocked or mad or just trying not to swear? Well, if ever there was time that that phrase is appropriate it is now! My Word what a year! Admittedly, It's been more than a few years since I have posted on my blog and as everyone knows and needs no reminder, 2020 was a crazy year, myself included. No, I did not get Covid nor did I lose anyone close to me and for that I am forever thankful! My wonderful daughter married an equally wonderful man and in the midst of the wedding planning my husband, of 32 years, and I divorced. The details...well those will remain private, but I assure you my dear readers that never in my wildest of dreams did I anticipate being single again. My Word!
As is my New Years tradition I do not make resolutions, rather I try to have a guiding word or phrase and this year I struggled with which word or phrase to chose. My Word, what word? Well a few days ago I picked up my journal and just started writing and these words flew off my pen and onto my paper in a matter of a minute or two: My Dec 30th Journal entry: "To love and be loved without smothering. To cherish and be cherished but not be choked. To move on and leave the baggage. To trust God's hands to nurture the wounds. To trust God's arms to hold the pain. To assign fear & doubt to the right people. To simultaneously open & protect my heart." Just like most of the rest of the world I cannot wait for the time when we can gather again, go to restaurants again, to hug again. My work in education took me to new and interesting places when we went "full remote" and like everyone else I am excited to see the students again. Serving them is like the air I breathe, water for my thirsty soul, joy for my wounded heart, and any other positive comparison-cliche I can think of. Working with and serving them is such a privilege and there are days that I feel overwhelmed that I get to do what I do AND get paid for it. My Word, life is grand!
So while writing this blog a word popped into my head, something to focus on for the upcoming year. I've heard it said about students so many times this year, I've hear it said about First Responders and hospital workers, most especially about nurses. It's a word that I have come to describe myself yet I do feel that it is one that I need to put in my pocket for the future months, just in case. What is that word? My word is: Resilience.
Oh My Word!
A Note to My Children-Thoughts About MarriageToday my daughter and I had an interesting exchange, by today's standards it would be considered a conversation but since it was via text I just can't quite call it that. Yes, she asked some questions and stated some thoughts and I responded, so most people would consider that an actual conversation; what it did for me was to get the proverbial wheels turning which has now turned into me putting my thoughts down on virtual digital "paper." Last week marked 31 years of marriage... to the same man... by any yardstick that is saying something. We did not have a huge celebration, in fact I believe we had a quick dinner then he curled up with his computer to get some work done for his new business, and due to some newly diagnosed autoimmune "issues" (I have not reached that point of acceptance to actually call them diseases) I laid out my work clothes for the next day then went to bed. In those 31 years I have learned a lot... well perhaps a whole lot to the mathematical power of 5 or perhaps 10. In those years we have relocated 9 times (that is not counting some extended stays of less than 6 months), owned and lived in 4 houses and 1 condo, lived in Navy housing twice, and rented 3 times. Yes, I realize that adds up to 10 but hey, welcome to my world. We have owned approximately 17 cars, I think 5 motorcycles, and 3 boats. So we are quite skilled at the art of buying and selling things but those are not the things that really count and this is not what I am writing about. No, what is most important to me is to let both of my children and their friends and anyone else who happens to read this know my thoughts on marriage. Since I am a child of divorce I took my wedding vows very seriously because I did not want to fail and I did not want my children to feel what I felt as a teen that was suddenly without a true north, drifting aimlessly in a world that didn't care. On that day 31 years ago I promised "from this day forward to love, honor, and respect, through richer & poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health, forsaking all others until death do we part..." and I meant it and yet I had no idea how hard life as a young Navy wife could and would be. Listed below are some of the things I have learned and surely wished I had known prior to that day 31 years ago; oh I still would have married him but a little information ahead of time would have been great. I had been well prepped on Navy life but not on 'normal' day to day life. So here goes; other than #1 these are in no particular order of importance because in a marriage any of these can happen at anytime and typically there is overlap. 1-People are not perfect. Pedestals are for works of art not people... adjust your expectations accordingly. 2-Disagreements are inevitable and the ensuing discussions can be uncomfortable, but no one wins a fight. 3- The "Don't go to bed angry" myth. Not everything can be worked out by bedtime, so if you can't work it out before 9 PM then ALWAYS tell your spouse that you love them before you both fall asleep. 4- The 50/50 myth; you both must give 100% all the time. There will be times when one of you is pursuing a degree; sick; injured; mourning the loss of a parent or sibling or job or a golden opportunity; or struggling with life, and the other will need to carry a heavier load and that is OK. Always give the very best you can even if that means that dinner is grilled cheese. 5-Never talk badly about your in-laws... that goes for everyone! I know... you are probably rolling your eyes because you think I'm going to say not to speak poorly of your mother in-law's cooking or housekeeping skills etc, well that goes with out saying (or saying too much). Attention Parents: your child loves someone enough to spend their life together so don't talk down to your child's spouse. Unless they are abusive in any manner the details of their marriage is nun-ya-business! Do not pit grandchildren against their parents... and NEVER pit one spouse against the other! For almost a full 30 years I was talked down to and for 20+ years I never said anything to anyone about it. My bad! I should have addressed the issue right away but instead I thought if I was more perfect things would improve. Surprise, they got worse. I was criticized for not being a tall blond like a former girlfriend of my husband, I was told that I was "gross" for nursing my babies, and called a "loser" because I was still friends with many of my childhood friends, I was even told that I had "missed a spot" when I had just cleaned a bathroom. The list is actually much longer but you get my point and if not then let me state it a little differently: Get a hobby and don't sit around finding fault in the members of your family, remember #1, no one , including YOU, is perfect. 6-Never do something that you know will make the other mad. That's just mean. 7- If you have done something wrong or hurtful admit it. No excuses and no blame. "I screwed up and I am so sorry. How can I make things better?" is a good way to start. Don't blame the other person for your bad decision. Admit whatever it is, apologize, and make amends. If you are on the receiving end remember #1. 8-Never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone and never allow anyone to speak negatively about your spouse... Even IF you just had an argument...are upset with your spouse... whatever the case may be...you will both be respected for keeping your mouth zipped. 9- Tell your spouse you love them especially when they have made a mistake (remember #1), are being goofy, have just done something wonderful, when they locked the keys in the house, or just because the sun came out that day. You can never say that enough. 10- Say "Thank You" often. 11- Sometimes a hug is better than words. 12- The only time you should sleep separately is when someone is sick. 13- Thirteen has always been a significant number to me so her goes... never tempt temptation. Don't become friends with a member of the opposite sex; being friendly is one thing but don't tempt someone to cross a line they can't uncross. Don't flirt, don't make innuendo's that could lead to flirting or something else. Draw a hard line and protect your marriage at all costs because there will always be someone who is willing to cross that line with no conscience whatsoever and they will make you feel as if you somehow deserve it because your spouse is somehow "less than." Refer to #8... never speak negatively about your spouse. Don't text, email, IM, DM or any other message type with a member of the opposite sex unless your spouse knows about it and is OK with the communication. If you wouldn't want your spouse to see those messages then DON'T SEND THEM! 14-It is a wise man/woman that does not compare their spouse to their parent(s) especially when it comes to cooking or cleaning. 'Nuf said. 15-Unless you are planning a surprise party or something similar...don't lie to your spouse. There is surely more but for now this will have to do. Since I am not a marriage counselor I won't be giving advice and if I were one I would most certainly keep my mouth shut unless asked. |
