You may or may not have noticed that I have not posted a blog in a few years; sure I have had many ideas running through my head but just never put them down on "paper."  There are many reasons for the proverbial silence including the negative feedback I have received about being so honest about so many things, I realized how people don't necessarily want to be educated about things they know nothing about, they want to rely on what they think they know and fail to see other points of view.

One topic I have been been quite vocal about is school shootings, especially here in Colorado where we have had more than a few, not to mention the Aurora Theater shooting.  The reaction of many has been to ban guns because after all you can't have a shooting without a gun, right?  Another more recent reaction has been for Colorado to pass the "Red Flag" law which "... allows a family member or law enforcement to petition a court to temporarily remove someone’s guns for up to a year."  Hmm... ok.  There is some controversy over that but I will not take that rabbit trail.

Another more popular thought floating around is the hiring of Combat Veteran's to police schools.  Yes, I like the idea. To an extent.  My (now ex) husband is combat vet but he would most certainly rather be teaching in those schools or being an administrator.  That's not my point though, sure I would love to see out of work veterans working, and just think of the kind of role model they could be for those kids?  But what about all those random noises in schools combined with a vet who may also have PTSD?  I know all to well about those noises because I work in a school... and I have PTSD from a school shooting.  There are days that I must exercise a HUGE amount of self control to not run in to the hallway and yell at a kid that is kicking a locker.  Just a few days ago during a passing period a very tall 8th grader started pounding on the glass case that held the fire extinguisher... well you guessed it I unleashed my quiet voice and yelled so loudly that not only did he stop and look at me but so did everyone else. I think that I actually scared him!

All of the above are reactions to what has been happening in our communities but what about being proactive for a change! How about we start with our homes; locking up guns (if you have them )  and locking up the ammo in a separate place is a good start.  But let's back up a little.

BEING PROACTIVE

Imagine a home where parent's and children have meals together, at the table, or kitchen island, or kitchen bar.  Imagine that family actually preparing that meal together with no distractions from the TV, or computer, or *gasp* cellphones! Imagine families that went back to having game nights, or movie nights complete with pizza, popcorn and root beer floats. Or how about off the grid camp-outs with fishing, campfires, s'mores, and sleeping bags.

Now let us think about families where parents are not some sort of machine analogy cliche like a helicopter picking their children up and out of trouble, or a snow plow clearing all the frozen obstacles from the path the parents want the kids to take; where the proverbial road less traveled isn't even a choice but the road to Harvard is completely free from potholes and roadkill.  Think about families that teach their children respect, responsibility, accountability, civility and manners, consequences, and a solid work ethic. A place where you must contribute to the household duties not because you get paid but because you are part of the family, and when you do get paid for chores you are actually taught how to budget that money.  

CULTURE

Several years ago I was asked what my culture was... I had no response.  My mind told me, "American" but then I thought that there isn't an American Culture.  I was wrong, there is an American Culture and some of it isn't very pretty.

We are taught to ignore and even hate people who don't look like us. Recently I saw an ad for Cadillac which features a successful woman of color at the wheel of brand new Cadillac and as she's driving through a neighborhood (presumably hers) she looks at and even points to and nods at the children playing. She SEE'S them and acknowledges them as valuable members of the human race. I love that ad! I wish more people would actually look at and see people as valuable.

We are also taught to devalue age above about 40, grey hair, wrinkles, anything that isn't perky anymore.  I have good genes in respect to my hair and skin meaning that I still have my natural hair color and, thanks to copious amounts of sunblock over the years, very few wrinkles. But that doesn't mean that I am valued for my age. In a female dominated profession (sign language interpreting) I am viewed as being old and outdated; frankly that is not true, I came to this profession in my 40's and have always kept up with the changes in the profession.

Another thing our society and culture teaches us is to lie.  Now let that sink in for just a second or two... think about how many times as a young child you are told to be nice to the creepy store clerk (or whoever), to be sweet even when someone has wronged you in some way.  Oh, I am not talking about manners here, I am talking about having to stuff your feelings down so deep as to not upset someone else. Please understand the context of this next story: Los Angeles suburbs 1970's and desegregation or "bussing" was in full effect , my parents had placed my sister and I in a private school to avoid bussing in all forms. Unless it was raining we would ride our bikes the 2 miles to school.  I am still burdened by an event that happened when I was still in elementary school; I was riding my sisters bike and was hit by a car on my way to that school and as it turned out the man that hit me was a Sunday School bus driver for the church the school was attached to.  As soon as that little nugget of truth was made known I was told to not tell anyone so as to not ruin his reputation (or have his bus driver's license revoked).  My guess is that my father was probably angry enough to want to track this man down and settle things himself, and I am quite sure that the fact that the man was probably never issued any type of a ticket or reprimand really scorched my dad's collar.  Yet, we were all told to lie.  When I was at school I was told to lie about what happened and then the whole thing was treated as if it had never happened. It was layers of lies by people I trusted. That was a huge crack in the delicate shell of my soul and to this day, despite my love of classic cars, I cannot look at a '57 Chevy without thinking of the day in October 1976.

The flip side of what our society doesn't value is what it does value.  If someone handed you a piece of lined paper right now how much of it could you fill with what American society in general values?  Go to a mall and sit in the food court and really watch the people there and write down what you see.  Go to a grocery store and take note of how many moms with young children in the cart are on their cell phone and not talking to those children.  A mall and a grocery store are truly language rich environments,  a plethora of opportunities to teach your children language and values.  Sadly what I see is that our society values youth, beauty, money, status.  I see children being ignored by their parents and then act out at school, but the teachers are powerless to do anything because the district is afraid of being sued by those same parents.  I see adults who bully adults and then their children go to school and repeat that behavior, and then parents who wonder where that behavior came from.  I see children drop and break a cell phone costing $1,000 and then laugh it off because there mom or dad will buy them a new one. I see students of all ages throw temper tantrums as well as desks and chairs when they don't get their way, or when they don't get an A on a test they failed.

If everyone gets a trophy what does the winner get?  If everyone gets a trophy then who truly wins? 

Ok...not sure where I was going with this blog.  Something about being Proactive vs Reactive I think. Well, I guess this one could be filed under "Thoughts to Ponder" because if I were younger I would remember the reason for this post and I would be able to put a nice bow on it.

GullsHow about a photo of some Oregon seagulls to make you smile.

Anyone else out there have parents or grandparents that would loudly exclaim, "My Word!" when they were shocked or mad or just trying not to swear? Well, if ever there was time that that phrase is appropriate it is now!

My Word what a year!

Admittedly, It's been more than a few years since I have posted on my blog and as everyone knows and needs no reminder, 2020 was a crazy year, myself included.  No, I did not get Covid nor did I lose anyone close to me and for that I am forever thankful! My wonderful daughter married an equally wonderful man and in the midst of the wedding planning my husband, of 32 years, and I divorced.  The details...well those will remain private, but I assure you my dear readers that never in my wildest of dreams did I anticipate being single again. 

My Word!

Engagement PhotoOh, My Word! What a couple.

As is my New Years tradition I do not make resolutions, rather I try to have a guiding word or phrase and this year I struggled with which word or phrase to chose. My Word, what word?  Well a few days ago I picked up my journal and just started writing and these words flew off my pen and onto my paper in a matter of a minute or two:

My Dec 30th Journal entry: "To love and be loved without smothering. To cherish and be cherished but not be choked. To move on and leave the baggage. To trust God's hands to nurture the wounds. To trust God's arms to hold the pain. To assign fear & doubt to the right people. To simultaneously open & protect my heart."  

Just like most of the rest of the world I cannot wait for the time when we can gather again, go to restaurants again, to hug again. My work in education took me to new and interesting places when we went "full remote" and like everyone else I am excited to see the students again. Serving them is like the air I breathe, water for my thirsty soul, joy for my wounded heart, and any other positive comparison-cliche I can think of. Working with and serving them is such a privilege and there are days that I feel overwhelmed that I get to do what I do AND get paid for it. 

My Word, life is grand!

Formal BridalOh, my word, isn't she lovely!     

So while writing this blog  a word popped into my head, something to focus on for the upcoming year.  I've heard it said about students so many times this year, I've hear it said about First Responders and hospital workers, most especially about nurses. It's a word that I have come to describe myself yet I do feel that it is one that I need to put in my pocket for the future months, just in case.

What is that word?  My word is: Resilience.  

Oh My Word!

Today my daughter and I had an interesting exchange, by today's standards it would be considered a conversation but since it was via text I just can't quite call it that.  Yes, she asked some questions and stated some thoughts and I responded, so most people would consider that an actual conversation; what it did for me was to get the proverbial wheels turning which has now turned into me putting my thoughts down on virtual digital "paper."

Last week marked 31 years of marriage... to the same man... by any yardstick that is saying something.  We did not have a huge celebration, in fact I believe we had a quick dinner then he curled up with his computer to get some work done for his new business, and due to some newly diagnosed autoimmune "issues" (I have not reached that point of acceptance to actually call them diseases) I laid out my work clothes for the next day then went to bed. In those 31 years I have learned a lot... well perhaps a whole lot to the mathematical power of 5 or perhaps 10. In those years we have relocated 9 times (that is not counting some extended stays of less than 6 months), owned and lived in 4 houses and 1 condo, lived in Navy housing twice, and rented 3 times. Yes, I realize that adds up to 10 but hey, welcome to my world. We have owned approximately 17 cars, I think 5 motorcycles, and 3 boats.   So we are quite skilled at the art of buying and selling things but those are not the things that really count and this is not what I am writing about. No, what is most important to me is to let both of my children and their friends and anyone else who happens to read this know my thoughts on marriage.  Since I am a child of divorce I took my wedding vows very seriously because I did not want to fail and I did not want my children to feel what I felt as a teen that was suddenly without a true north, drifting aimlessly in a world that didn't care. On that day 31 years ago I promised "from this day forward to love, honor, and respect,  through richer & poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health, forsaking all others until death do we part..." and I meant it and yet I had no idea how hard life as a young Navy wife could and would be.

Listed below are some of the things I have learned and surely wished I had known prior to that day 31 years ago; oh I still would have married him but a little information ahead of time would have been great. I had been well prepped on Navy life but not on 'normal' day to day life.  So here goes; other than #1 these are in no particular order of importance because in a marriage any of these can happen at anytime and typically there is overlap.

1-People are not perfect. Pedestals are for works of art not people... adjust your expectations accordingly.

2-Disagreements are inevitable and the ensuing discussions can be uncomfortable, but no one wins a fight.

3- The "Don't go to bed angry"  myth.  Not everything can be worked out by bedtime, so if you can't work it out before 9 PM then ALWAYS tell your spouse that you love them before you both fall asleep.

4- The 50/50 myth; you both must give 100% all the time.  There will be times when one of you is pursuing a degree; sick; injured; mourning the loss of a parent or sibling or job or a  golden opportunity; or struggling with life, and the other will need to carry a heavier load and that is OK. Always give the very best you can even if that means that dinner is grilled cheese.

5-Never talk badly about your in-laws... that goes for everyone! I know... you are probably rolling your eyes because you think I'm going to say not to speak poorly of your mother in-law's cooking or housekeeping skills etc, well that goes with out saying (or saying too much). Attention Parents: your child loves someone enough to spend their life together so don't talk down to your child's spouse.  Unless they are abusive in any manner the details of their marriage is nun-ya-business! Do not pit grandchildren against their parents... and NEVER pit one spouse against the other!  For almost a full 30 years I was talked down to and for 20+ years I never said anything to anyone about it.  My bad!  I should have addressed the issue right away but instead I thought if I was more perfect things would improve.  Surprise, they got worse.  I was criticized for not being a tall blond like a former girlfriend of my husband, I was told that I was "gross" for nursing my babies, and called a "loser" because I was still friends with many of my childhood friends, I was even told that I had "missed a spot" when I had just cleaned a bathroom. The list is actually much longer but you get my point and if not then let me state it a little differently: Get a hobby and don't sit around finding fault in the members of your family, remember #1, no one , including YOU, is perfect.

6-Never do something that you know will make the other mad.  That's just mean.

7- If you have done something wrong or hurtful admit it.  No excuses and no blame.  "I screwed up and I am so sorry.  How can I make things better?" is a good way to start. Don't blame the other person for your bad decision.  Admit whatever it is, apologize, and make amends. If you are on the receiving end remember #1.

8-Never speak negatively about your spouse to anyone and never allow anyone to speak negatively about your spouse...  Even IF you just had an argument...are upset with your spouse... whatever the case may be...you will both be respected for keeping your mouth zipped.

9- Tell your spouse you love them especially when they have made a mistake (remember #1), are being goofy, have just done something wonderful, when they locked the keys in the house, or just because the sun came out that day. You can never say that enough.

10- Say "Thank You" often.

11- Sometimes a hug is better than words.

12- The only time you should sleep separately is when someone is sick.

13- Thirteen has always been a significant number to me so her goes... never tempt temptation.  Don't become friends with a member of the opposite sex;  being friendly is one thing but don't tempt someone to cross a line they can't uncross.  Don't flirt, don't make innuendo's that could lead to flirting or something else. Draw a hard line and protect your marriage at all costs because there will always be someone who is willing to cross that line with no conscience whatsoever and they will make you feel as if you somehow deserve it because your spouse is somehow "less than."  Refer to #8... never speak negatively about your spouse. Don't text, email, IM, DM or any other message type with a member of the opposite sex unless your spouse knows about it and is OK with the communication.  If you wouldn't want your spouse to see those messages then DON'T SEND THEM!

14-It is a wise man/woman that does not compare their spouse to their parent(s) especially when it comes to cooking or cleaning. 'Nuf said.

15-Unless you are planning a surprise party or something similar...don't lie to your spouse.

There is surely more but for now this will have to do. Since I am not a marriage counselor I won't be giving advice and if I were one I would most certainly keep my mouth shut unless asked.